I know it has been almost 3 years since our cancer journey began and over a year since he died, but I’m still not real happy with You yet. It may take me awhile. You can’t get mad about that. You made me this way. Deal with it.
I was looking at a photo last night. I keep it on the head of my bed. He was so healthy. And handsome. And loving. And fun. And OMG that body. And my other half. Neither of us were complete without the other.
And we became more inseparable as the years went on. Sure we broke up more than once only to get back together again. Remember ‘each other’s other half’ thing? We simply could not live apart. You must have had some kind of plan for us, right? Otherwise his first two marriages and other relationships would have lasted longer than a year or two.
You gave us almost 24 years together.
It wasn’t long enough, God.
Not nearly long enough.
That healthy, sexy, fun man …. became emaciated, thin beyond comprehension, unable to eat, walk any distance, do anything requiring strength, whether it be fixing something in the house, working on his cars, or making love with me. I don’t understand it, God. There are other people out there who do bad, evil, wicked things, and you let them live till they are 90. Why did you have to take Nick at so young?
I go to church. I talk to You. And I’m still waiting to hear what your plan is. It can’t be for me to be Nonna alone to this wonderful bunch of kids. I love them so much. And so did Papa. They miss him so.
I miss him so …
Sometimes I wander my house … feeling very lost and alone. I find myself talking to him like he is here. I stare at his photos. Missing him more. And mad at You still.
Granted that isn’t happening as often as it was. But it still happens.
And until You let me in on your reason for taking the love of my life far too soon, it will probably continue to happen.
I had a counselor for my children once tell me that a child will lash out at the parent they feel safest with. I had to ask because my sons lashed out at me all the time, and sided with their father on so much. I felt better knowing the reason behind it and ceased to worry quite so much.
I know I can lash out at You. Because I am safe with You.
I’m just not happy with You right now.
Talk to You again soon.