Starting my second year….

The last few weeks have been difficult. I seem to be feeling the same sense of loss I had a year ago….stumbling thru my days in a haze of memories, fear, and loss. I see him everywhere, in the garage, in the basement, in our bed; hearing his voice saying something inappropriate or I love you, or holding his face in my hands kissing him, loving him.

Nick saying something most likely entirely inappropriate

I sit on the couch where I sat next to him in the hospital bed. I can see him laying there. Gasping for air as his body shuts down. So thin I was amazed he was alive as long as he was.  I think that is burned into my memory for all time. And I wouldn’t give up the honor of being there with him as he breathed his last for all the money in the world.

Every time I would go with him to chemo, I would take a photo like this. Just our legs. I watched his get thinner and thinner.

final photo hospital bed.jpeg

This is the final one. Taken mid afternoon. This was as close to him as I could get. I wish now I would have just crawled in bed with him. And held him.

This past few weeks have shown me I have a long way to go with my healing.  As I sit here writing this, tears are trying to run down my cheeks.  Before the anniversary, I could write things and do OK. But not so these last few weeks. I hope I can get back on my feet again…. and soon.

I leave tomorrow morning for Italy for 11 days. I really need this time away from everyone and everything and just ‘be’. To think. To enjoy. To cry. To mourn. To just ‘be’.

And I thank my wonderful son Matteo’s family for this opportunity. I love them more than they know.


About Boo

Grandmother to 11....or is it 12 now? Getting back into life after losing the love of my life to cancer. Read my struggles with daily life........or don't. But I hope it helps ONE person get thru the same thing I went thru......
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7 Responses to Starting my second year….

  1. A Perfectmindstorm says:

    I hope you have an enjoyable trip and come back refreshed and ready live again. Anniversaries are hard, you will get through it and you will be ok Boo.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ronda says:

    Have a wonderful time away!! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Boo says:



  4. Dewy says:

    Have a great trip. And eat heaps of pasta and pizza for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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