The last few weeks have been difficult. I seem to be feeling the same sense of loss I had a year ago….stumbling thru my days in a haze of memories, fear, and loss. I see him everywhere, in the garage, in the basement, in our bed; hearing his voice saying something inappropriate or I love you, or holding his face in my hands kissing him, loving him.
I sit on the couch where I sat next to him in the hospital bed. I can see him laying there. Gasping for air as his body shuts down. So thin I was amazed he was alive as long as he was. I think that is burned into my memory for all time. And I wouldn’t give up the honor of being there with him as he breathed his last for all the money in the world.
Every time I would go with him to chemo, I would take a photo like this. Just our legs. I watched his get thinner and thinner.
This is the final one. Taken mid afternoon. This was as close to him as I could get. I wish now I would have just crawled in bed with him. And held him.
This past few weeks have shown me I have a long way to go with my healing. As I sit here writing this, tears are trying to run down my cheeks. Before the anniversary, I could write things and do OK. But not so these last few weeks. I hope I can get back on my feet again…. and soon.
I leave tomorrow morning for Italy for 11 days. I really need this time away from everyone and everything and just ‘be’. To think. To enjoy. To cry. To mourn. To just ‘be’.
And I thank my wonderful son Matteo’s family for this opportunity. I love them more than they know.