Well that was fast…….

Thurs Happy Fri wait its Thurs

RS text me this morning cancelling our lunch date. And our dinner date.

Ok.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm Oh well……

And I was having SUCH a good time too!!

Thursday Day 4 of hostage

It is a crispy cool autumn day. I really wish I was home, walking through the leaves and planting some trees instead. But tonight, I have a board meeting and tomorrow night I leave for a wedding a few hours north of me. I won’t be back til Sunday evening. Hope my house is still standing. LOL

I’m looking forward to going away. Have some time to be me.

Y’all have a wonderful day!

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So apparently I have a date….

…………….ugh.

The guy makes me laugh, he’s local, he’s funny, and he knows exactly where I live.

wait……………………………..what????

Apparently he lived in my area 40 years ago. He lives just north of where I work. Then he said I live in On……a, it’s just a little south of (name of town I live by). I said “well imagine that!! I too, live south of (name of town I live by)” and he came back with “Fr…………le?” (name of little gathering of houses 1/2 mile from my house)….um….

Wait………………………….WHAT???

He asked if he could take me to Mike’s (local bar I NEVER go to) for supper. Then he laughed and suggest the local supper club. Well, we are getting warmer! He even knows where Charlie’s is. OK. I might be safe….?

Almost scary.

I know…y’all think I’m strange. Especially after yesterdays post of missing Nick so much to go to this one about a date? Ya, I’m nuts that way. And my emotions and thoughts seem to go all over. I think I’m getting better at not feeling like I’m cheating on Nick by going out with someone. Then there are days when I’m almost terrified to leave the house.

yes-im-crazy-no-you-cant-have-some

You have to remember, we were together for 23 years. That is NOT easy to forget/dismiss/get over/forget about. But, I have to move on with my life. I tell myself that. Others tell me that. I’m trying to do that.

IS IT WORKING?????? I don’t know. I just know I am talking to men who did not know Nick. And I feel pretty apprehensive about it. Like I’m waiting for Nick to get mad….ya, get out of my head. It’s frightening in there.

But I tell ya peeps, it is SCARY. I spent several hours having a great conversation with RS. Laughing and flirting and wondering if I will feel anything towards this guy…..to crying my eyes out and apologizing to Nick on the drive home.

Toldjaso!

I haven’t dated since I was 19. And even then I had met my 1st husband before he and I ever started dating. I was good friends with Nick before he and I ever got together. And that is the extent of it. I even knew a couple guys I dated in high school before we dated. I have never gone on a ‘cold call’ kind of date.

And to me? It’s terrifying. So we may do a little lunch. That gives me 30 minutes to deal with “terrified” and hopefully go to “not so scared”.

OMG I just invited him to the football game!! WTF??

I have to go take my temperature.

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I sit here with a lump in my throat….

…..from the reply I sent to Mike’s blog as it bounces around in my head.

He spoke of taking a ‘memento’ from each job he’s been at.

My reply? “I didn’t take anything from my last job, but from the job before that, I took my mechanic! Lived with him for over 20 years. I even MARRIED him!”Nick saying something most likely entirely inappropriate

And of course, the tears start flowing. Will that pain ever lessen? I am told one day it will be a smile instead of a tear. You have NO idea how much I yearn for that……

I am talking online with a guy from up nort’. He just lost his SO in July.

Today he spoke of a Tupperware sitting by the sink “like she just set it there and is coming back.” I know exactly how he feels. I get it.

When I went into the garage. And there were his coveralls, draped over the end of the storage cart. The last time he wore them. I picked them up. I could smell him on them. There were shop rags, dropped on the pile like he was just there. His tool box with everything where it belongs. The Fusion….still unfinished.

My heart just clenches and tries to keep from dying. My lungs try to expand to bring in that much needed air……and exhaling becomes a scream instead of a breath. I am surprised my eyes haven’t washed out of my head from all the tears I’ve shed.

And it’s all normal.

Grief is the last act of love

I don’t have to tell myself that.

My heart already knows.

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Crap on a cracker….

My emotions were on a roller coaster this weekend…7 dwarves.jpg

I’m loving having my daughter en fam living with me, but it is requiring me to go through boxes of Nick’s things that I was not ready to do yet. She got upset with me for not having it done. I got upset with her for pushing me. But if you saw the size of that room, you’d understand why it is not getting done in a day.

I got upset/melancholy/depressed feeling like I am throwing Nick away by going through his stuff and getting rid of it. All the catalogs are getting recycled. The magazines are going to Operation Homefront to go in the care boxes for something for them to read. Toy cars are getting all boxed up and stored till I can start putting them on Ebay or Craigslist. The radios? I think a few will leave tonight. Fingers crossed. I simply cannot keep storing all of them.

I want the remodel projects in my house done. The kitchen, the downstairs bath, the 3rd bedroom, so I can start on the students room and a bar in the basement. Grand plans I have!

I might just start contemplating these early this year and break the resolution I made many years ago. (That one was to never make any more NY resolutions)

10 NYR

I hate when that happens.

*snortz*

So now I’m trying to sort out the hits on the dating site I joined.

Ugh.

I am ready to give  up.

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Well what did I do THAT for…..???

Ugh……………

Just for grins and giggles, I got on Plenty of Fish.

Blame Jad for that. She’s an instigator. And very naughty. She makes me snort coffee all over my screen! AND slide under my desk in a helpless pile of giggles.

So anyway…back to PoF…. I get in there and start looking around.

Really guys? How about if you dress up a bit? Comb your hair, TRIM your hair…..and stop with the stupid angry faces….? It’s just a thought. One guy? omg…….he looked PISSED!! AND there were 7 photos of him looking pissed…..Same pose, same couch, same stuff on the walls behind him. Just changed his shirt in one photo. *wow………….just wow*

One guy I ran across……….has ARMS like you would NOT believe.

Immense, I tell ya!

ARMS.png

Ya, I had to screen shot this. But alas……….. He’s from too far away so no hug. *sigh*

But I see my stalker from OurTime is on PoF…. Ugh. He’s even viewed me. I hope he doesn’t talk to me as I really hate blocking people.

Also talking to Steve from 3 hours north…..*sigh* Interesting guy to speak with.

Maybe I’ll just end up with a bunch of new friends. Who knows……

Better yet? Who cares?

 

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Well….last night….

…………was both good and not so good.today-is-cancelled-go-back-to-bed

I found them. The suit coat, the shirt and the dress. And in the suit coat pocket? The inevitable crumpled up tissue. I’m finding them in everything lately.

I lost it.

april-95

Then I found the winter coat, the Red Lantern coat, and the dress he bought me in Mexico, and, and, and and…………. I just wish the pain would lesson. Sometimes it is OK and I can manage it. Sometimes it slams into me like a F650 Tonka Truck. Just as strong as the day he died.

Grief is the last act of love

Apparently we had great love.  I’m glad for that.  It just makes dating someone else…difficult.

Line drawing of grief

I have to say those twisted balls of yarn type thingys in the photo above are getting further between…..They just are not getting smaller.

So up till last night, I was actually thinking of a couple guys I wouldn’t mind dating.

Then my mind went …….. “Nah…………..I’m just going to go enjoy………”

My heart will know when it’s ready.

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That felt so GOOOOOOOD!!

I was somewhat naughty last night. *snickers* 

After my shower, I settled in a chair on the screen porch with all the lights off …………. and my robe wide open.

WHAT?????  IT WAS DARK OUT!!!!  SHEESH PEOPLE!! shuddup.

Note to self: I need to get a chaise lounge on that porch…..I just sat there, listening to the sounds of the night. Traffic was light for a change so no headlight glare bursting through the calm late evening darkness. And the sound of the evening bugs was music to my ears…..

It was so nice out there. The warm temp (69*) and the cool breeze….It felt so good on my damp skin. The only thing that would have made it nicer? ……………… I’ll let you figure that out.

I should have blown up the air mattress and slept out there.

I wish it would have been a Friday night … I’d be still be sitting out there. I think I will anyway…..of course I’ll need to warn the other residents of my house…..screen porch Mustang Run evening

*snortz*

tumbling mossy creek.gif

This, too, looks beyond inviting…..I would figure out a way to get a tent close to this without disturbing nature….and just listen to the sound of the water.

I wish I could find my other tent. I want to camp again…..in the rain. It is SO soothing to be out in nature. Just me and my dog. He’s such a great companion. (Jegs, the black lab)Bohdi and Jegs
Bohdi the blonde…..still cannot settle down. He will be a year on Halloween…He tests my patience.

The guy that took me to the car races the other night, wants to go out again. I may. I may not. We’ll see. He was a good friend of Nick’s. So…………..

One day my heart will be ready……….cropped-girl-and-balloon

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My Horrorscope today….

You may want to play it safe, but a friend or partner is eager to throw caution to the wind. Perhaps you can reach a compromise.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Wonder what THIS means……

I have 4 more weddings to attend. Is this it? For two of them, I have promised to be the date of the father of the bride or date of father of the groom.

I’m going to dance and drink and have fun and not worry about anything….and go home alone.

Again.

and she said I cant take this anymore.jpg

For some reason lately, I’m feeling very trapped, lonesome, alone, but mostly? with no sense of direction. No sense of what I want to do now that I’ve sold most of his cars and I’m boxing up so many of his possessions. I feel like I’m throwing him out. Making him less important to me. I’m feeling like I have no choice in the matter.

And I don’t know where to go from here.

So I’m going to just keep maintaining for now. Get my daughter and her family settled into my house. Finish dealing with stuff getting sorted, boxed up and stored. Finish getting the remodel projects done in my house. My daughter has some awesome ideas for decorations so I’m just going to let her loose.

Maybe making the house not look anything like it did when he was here…..? Will help.

Here’s hoping!!

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Do you have ‘donor’ on YOUR license??

nick

As most of you know, Nick’s corneas were donated for transplant. He died at 2am. They took him to the morgue about 4am. About 6:30am I crawled into his hospital bed and was just falling asleep when my phone rang at 7am. I’d only had an hour of sleep in the last 36-40 hours.

7am the phone rings….it’s the Eye Bank….with a bunch of questions they apologized profusely for asking so soon after my loss, but time IS of the essence. Of course I said yes to all of them because both Nick and I had decided a long time ago to be organ donors. I wish everyone did. Somehow I feel he lives on in the 2 men who got his corneas. He’s HELPING people even after death.

Back in mid July, I sent letters to the eye bank for the 2 people who rec’d those corneas. Monday, I sent an email to the lady there to make sure they rec’d the letters for those two people. They have and are waiting for responses. She told me some write right away, some will wait 6-12 months before answering.

Then she wrote the following:

I took a look at your website that you had linked in your signature. It is very well done and I applaud you for your courage to have your life and feelings out there. Would you be interested in sharing your story of recovery with us and the story of David? The letter that was sent to the recipients of his donation is very kind and heartfelt. I love the part you added in there about him making the best decision by putting ‘donor’ on his license.  We are working on getting more donor and recipient stories, showcasing different family members, who they were and the importance of donation. Something like this would be used as testimonials on our website, facebook, exhibiting materials, brochures that go out to other families and partners, etc.

If you are interested, please let me know and we can discuss further. Thanks you for your time. Have a great day,

S*****

I stopped in my tracks.

Then immediately wrote back of COURSE I would!

everything is going to be ok in the end

To me, this is exciting news. If I can help someone decide on being a donor….why wouldn’t I do this?? I’m now curious as to what they need from me. I’m hoping they will just take some words of mine from my blog but we’ll find out and I’ll let you all know…..

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