Happy Hallow’s Eve!!

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You can expect a big change to come upon you very soon, and it will begin in small ways this very day with a change in attitude.

Well, an attitude can change when you GET BACK INTO A PAIR OF JEANS YOU HAVEN’T BE ABLE TO WEAR IN OVER 18 MONTHS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!! I found a pair sitting at the end of the bed this morning. I don’t recall putting them there but I thought “What the hell!” and put them on. Imagine my surprise when they slid right on! 3″ smaller than I wore last year. *high 5’s………..ah………..looks around…….. for something*

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“Happy Halloween” face turned out pretty good huh?? I’m hoping my daughter can do my eyes like this for my costume tonight. Co-worker suggested lips like Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus.  We’ll see how it ends up and YES……………I’ll get a photo … or 2 … or 3……*snortz*

M and I might go for drinks tonight. He’d better make up his mind as I’m not going thru all the make up to have him say ‘Nah’….LOL. Oh, he’s picking me up he just informed me…..ok then!

My cousin left to head across the state yesterday…my house was too quiet last night. It was nice just sitting there with her. Not expecting lots of talking or whatever. Just sitting and being. I did a lot of remembering. I just cannot picture her as ‘Grandma’….Hell, I cannot even wrap my head around her as grown up! She’s one beautiful lady tho. A smile a mile wide. I think I’ll be going to Austin next winter….I hope she wants me to come….

My oldest son took to her and just picked on her. That means he likes her. He was having a BALL with her.

I have to tell y’all……I put the Eagles CD in. ‘Love will keep us alive’  was Nick’s and my song. I heard it come on and braced myself. And sang right along this time. Smiling instead of crying.

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It felt good.

Am I healing?

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Another weekend…..gone

Sagittarius with date
You’ll see the meaning of something rather routine if you look at it from a different level — literally. Adjust your position!

I had a good week/weekend. My cousin from Texas came up. Spur of the moment kind of thing. She’s been here since Tuesday night. I haven’t seen her in over 35 years.

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I can’t wrap my head around her being ‘Grandma’ to 3. We had a good time while she was here. She’s off to see other family for this week, due back at my house next weekend. I hope we continue to visit with each other.

I have missed her more than I knew.

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My new shower…..

image009Nov 22 – Dec 21
Make a note of those things that affect you beneath the surface somehow. This will require a little more self-awareness than usual.

huh?

Anyway…..last October, my old shower/tub combo was ripped out in hopes of a new one put in. The old one drove me nuts. I would have to clean this every couple of days. I told Nick I was done. He didn’t want to put a new one in. I’m like HUH???? Then you clean it.

And he did.

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So a couple months after he died? I had the old one ripped out.

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And now? A year later? This is how it looks. The plumber is coming by the end of this month to finish up the rest of his end of it. Then I’m hoping my son will finish the rest. I have 2 french doors. One to be half of the wall to the left and the other on track to roll open and closed as a door.

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Fingers crossed the image in my mind can be built here. It’s very similar to the one above.

I need some peace and tranquility back in my house. I need these projects done. I need to walk in the rest of my house and go “Aaaah” like I do my bedroom. I need to just start THROWING things and I cannot do it.

So I am donating things. Lots of things. I just don’t need to STORE them anymore. I need my peace back. Inner peace. And not the kind you get by finishing things….like that bottle of wine or that bag of chocolate. The kind you get by cleansing your ‘space’.

And by getting laid.

Damn……………….no wonder I’m all discombobulated!

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What a GAME!!!

image009 Nov 22 – Dec 21

You’re likely to amaze and inspire a friend who wonders at some of your abilities. Share what you know and watch what happens.

Share what I know??  And watch what happens? I don’t think this one is meant for me today.

So Neil and I went to the game last night. It was chucking FILLY out there but we had fun. Final score? 72-14….the boys won again! This is playoffs…next game Saturday night at 7pm. Less than 1 minute to go and they got the ball, ran it in for a touch down. I remember seeing 38.9 seconds left as he crossed the goal line. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!

I won’t make the game Saturday as I’ll be at a haunted house with Neil again. I enjoy the things he finds for us to do. We talked last night about how neither of us know where this is going to go. I enjoy spending time doing things with him. He is 5 1/2 years older and I think I wear him out as I am just so busy all the time. So we may just keep going to fun events…..as friends. And that’s OK, too. With both of us…..

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I have someone at my house I’ve been looking forward to seeing for almost 30 years.

She is my Mom’s sister’s only child, and is just 10 years younger than I. She lived with us for a bit when she was pretty little. I remember her and I just cuddling in my bed talking till all hours of the night. I felt like a Mom to her during that time.

Now she has changed her name ….which I am having a time wrapping my head around. To me she will always be the name she was when she was small. But I will call her the new name. Out of respect and love and understanding her reasoning.

She’s a hoot and in just the 8 hours we were together last night, we had A BLAST….she went to the game last night where my oldest son picked on her unmercifully…oh that was bad….*snortz* But I did love how they interacted. I was giggling all night while she (from Texas) froze, chatted with DIL, and made us laugh some more.

I really did figure after 15 months, I’d have some kind of relationship I could count on. I guess I do with Neil….friendship……and myself for my own happiness, my daughter and fam for fun too….

And my little man for “Good Morning Nonna!” in that tiny little voice…..

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Today, 3 years ago….

…was a day from Hell. I have a photo of Nick from that day no one will ever see. I look at it from time to time. Looking so small in that bed. In SUCH pain even with the morphine drip…just wanting to crawl in with him and hold him till it was all better. Unable to because of the 7 tubes and lines hooked up to him to keep him sedated and monitored.

Oxygen tube on his face. Oxygen sensor on his finger. Stomach drain tube. Blood pressure cuff, pic line in his arm, catheter, some kind of drain from his abdomen. Flashing lights, alarms, whistles, nurses and orderlies coming and going, lions and tigers and bears!

….It was beyond crazy.

Overwhelming doesn’t quite cover it. The nurses and orderlies were also beyond.

Wonderful, caring, compassionate…….

It was the start of a long, difficult, and terrifying journey. One I hope to NEVER do again. But if I end up with a man in my life, it’s a possibility. It’s also possible it could be me.

Amazingly…..I’m actually doing pretty good today….considering all of the above.

But then I have another date with Neil. *smiles*

I’m really enjoying the time I spend with this man. No pressure. No rushing. No fears. Just fun. It’s pretty nice. Neil is just happy to spend time with me. When I speak of other men friends, he doesn’t get all bent out of shape. No ‘who is THAT?’ or ‘it’s a slap in the face’ reaction. I’m not exclusive with anyone…….yet. And who knows if I will ever be. And my men friends? … are just that. Friends.

Remember a few months back when I had a lunch date on a Friday afternoon with RS? I was all excited about this yet on the drive home I was crying and apologizing to Nick?

I don’t have that feeling with Neil.

And I like that.

Now……we just have to get rid of that Corvette……..*snortz*

Im off like a herd of turtles

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Three years ago today…..

October 23, 2014. The day of the endoscopy. The day Nick’s camera surgeon came in and told us the tumor was cancer. That DAMN day. I remember the endoscopic surgeon, I don’t even remember his name, that came in to tell me the camera had gone well, the pictures looked like it was cancer, he was SO sure of that!, and that it had been there a while.

I wish that arrogant little turd would have made sure someone, ANYONE, was with me when he told me. He had the attitude like “I got to tell them FIRST!!!” and OUT the door he went. No I’m sorry to have to tell you, no is there someone here with you? …

I remember sitting there stunned. And it would be several hours before Nick came back to his room.

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I’m doing better this year. Still have tears in my eyes thinking about this day  in 2014.

But I’m getting better.

I have wonderful friends and family….

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Last week, I watched….

A Hero is someone who perserves Christopher Reeves.jpg

Christopher in a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window‘. It was a good movie as the original. But that remake….I have to hand it to Mr. Reeve. He did an awesome job. I will never forget when I heard he had been in a riding accident. He was an much admired actor in my world. And when he died? I cried.

So I had a date Saturday night. He took me to a haunted house. I’m thinking he just wanted to hold my hand……or grip his arm in fear….which is what happened when we got to the basement. I hate dark basements and this was a dirt floor and creepies were crawling around making those odd noises. *still shuddering* OMG That part was scary. The rest was brilliantly done and the players? FAB!!! They had 8 – 10 year olds dressed up and working the crowd. “Can we eat yer brains???” talking real slow and heads tipped sideways. So real. Made me think of the redrum twins…….

So it looks like we are going to another haunting this Saturday night down in Prairie.

He is a very nice man. I’ve known him for … I don’t even know how long. Seems like I’ve known him forever. He was a friend of Nick’s but not one we hung out with a lot. He wants me to just be me.

That’s nice to hear.

Wonder if he’ll hold my hand again…….

*chuckles*

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Oct 20th again….

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Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21

Your ability to do what others cannot isn’t likely to fail you today, and you can give your reputation a needed boost as a result.

WTH is THAT about?? I’d rather read “you will drop 10lbs this month just because you are YOU.”   *snortz* That’d be nice.

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October 20th. The day our journey into hell started 3 years ago. 3 years already. Maybe this is why you have been on my mind so much lately. You and Auntie…who died one year ago today. Two people who were and still are important to me. I think one day that Bobby’s sisters and I need to spend some time with him at his house in Italy and drain a bottle or 6 of good Italian wine in memory of you two. I really need to post the photo of the photo Auntie took in Columbia? of the 2 chairs. The first time I saw that print, all I could see was the two of you sitting in those chairs watching the rest of us try to cope with the loss.
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Tonight I am going to yet another football game. And another next Tuesday night as my G’son’s team is in the playoffs!! And I hope to get to ALL Cullan’s playoff games. Fingers crossed!!

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I just found this. It is HYSTERICAL!!! I’ve been laughing for 10 minutes!!

I put Panaway Essential Oils in my diffuser last night. I think I got 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I will be doing that again tonight. I can’t take the no sleep nights. Especially if I am not riding a bike first.

*snortz again*

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Hi you….

I went to Cullan’s final regular season game last night. He’s a senior now. I know RIGHT?? WTH!

I remember the day I told you he was on his way back in 1999. I will always laugh at that.

“Nick? how do you feel about sleeping with a grandma?”

‘YOUR MOTHER IS COMING TO LIVE WITH US??’

um….noooooooooooooooooooo…………

And thanks for scaring me…???

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That boy loves you so, Papa. And he misses you so much. They all do.

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Anyway, back to the game, it was, once again, was a massacre…..well almost. I think they gave them 20 pity points. Now before you think that sounds odd? They were playing all 1st string players? Our 1st string started sitting out the middle of the second quarter. Our freshman were playing. 52 – 20 was the final. LP is 0-7 , ooops 0-8 now. You would have been so proud Papa, of this young man. Not only watching him play, but how he watches out for his younger brother, and his foster brother. All 3 of them played last night, Papa!!  It was AWESOME to see!!  It was senior/parents night. And all the players were recognized. It was so nice.

AND THEY ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!

They auctioned off the game ball. All the players signed it. I bid it up to $850. Then I quit. I really wanted to have it. Last years game ball went for $400. The money goes back into the football program. So it is a good thing.

cullan football 2017

Aubree was Nonna’s girl last night, Papa. I wish you could have gotten to know her. She was with us the night you died. I’ll not soon forget that she looked like hell. Runny nose, red eyes, tired, scared, clinging to Brandon like he was LIFE. Now, she is smiling, happy, healthy, and laughs! It’s so wonderful to see. She loves it when I hug her like you would have. She’s not so afraid now.

Your Jules has dimples you can swim in. She looks at the photo of you huggin’ the stuffin’ out of her at her birthday party just 8 weeks before you died. ‘That’s Papa!’ Yes, love , it is. ‘I miss him.’ We all do, love. She was only 2 when you died, but she remembers your love.

Today the dawn breaks slowly, I love how the fog hovers of that trout stream across the way.

fog on the creek this morning

I am exhausted today. The pain in my hips and back was almost unbearable last night. And for some reason, you were heavy on my mind. We talked. But as usual, you didn’t give me the answers I wanted. And you never will.

The kitchen looks so much better. The shower will get done yet this month. The house doesn’t look QUITE so much like OUR house anymore. It’s getting to be MY house. And it has to be this way for me to survive. I redid our bedroom into MY bedroom. But you are still there.

So I don’t know what it is going to take, other than moving. And I don’t really want to do that.

I know you told me not to mourn long. That has turned out to be easier said than done.

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Because your love? Is still felt by everyone. And we all see the signs you send.

I love you. Always will.

nick and sue dancing

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