Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 21:
You know just how far you’ve come, and also how far you still have to go — so don’t let anyone slow you down today! Keep moving forward.
I’m trying. I’m trying…..I think I’m trying……..Ok, I’ve stopped.
Neither Lennox nor I wanted to get up this morning. He smiled when I told him tomorrow we can sleep in. He, of course, will be up and at ’em at 7am. *3 year olds…..hrumph* I have been invited to breakfast at M’s. New guy I’m speaking with. I have to get to recycles and talk to that tall drink of water there. Oh, and drop off my recycles. Then get home and get things together for the car club get together and the bonfire Saturday night.
Sunday is my Italian daughter’s 17th birthday…She loves chocolate. OK! I just have to find the place for us all to go eat. She likes Applebee’s. I have to teach her new things. Ugh.
Things have been overwhelming me lately. I just realized that I have lost 4 men from my life in the last 15 months. Four men who were/are very important to me.
Two I have lost to death.
One I have lost to indifference.
And one to a girlfriend.
I’ve written enough about the two I lost to death. Neither one I seem to able to wrap my head around yet. Nick is getting easier. I watched him die. I held his face in my hands as he left this world. I buried him. and I have slept alone for almost 15 months. It should be sinking in by now.
Brian………is the one I am having hardest time with because I didn’t get to go to his service. I didn’t get to tell him Goodbye. I can’t even go to his grave and talk to him. He was cremated and his family has him at home. I would like to go sit by him and tell him I loved him, that I was proud to have him in my life. I never did while he was alive, although I know he knew. He was a dear friend and confidant. A great hugger and a better listener. His smile would light up a room. We had some of the BEST times in the 2 hours we’d spend together. He would come to town once every 6 or 8 months. There is a huge hole in my life no one can fill now that he is gone.
The one I lost to indifference. This one I find the saddest. A fun, vibrant, sexy, healthy man who just doesn’t give a shit anymore. He and I became good friends (or so I am wondering lately) over the last 20 years. I wish I could say we were more than friends during Nick’s heavy drinking days, but I can’t. We both wanted…..I just couldn’t cross that line no matter WHAT Nick was doing. And now? Well, he just doesn’t give a shit. I find it harder and harder to try to talk to him. It seems he is always mad at me. Or making me feel stupid. I am outgoing and try to have fun. He complains my trying to make him smile only makes things worse. He’s promised me another motorcycle ride. I don’t know if I will go.
And he won’t care.
And that makes me want to cry. Because I have always enjoyed having him in my life.
When you count on people to be a steady thing in your life, and they stop being that….it is hard to deal with that loss. Because it is a loss. I mourn everyone I lose. No matter how I lose them.
Which brings me to the 4th man. I came to rely on this man so much in the 15 months since Nick died. He was there when I needed a vehicle fixed, a tree limb cut, closet fixed, ceiling fan installed, or a shoulder to cry on.
I am BEYOND happy that he has a new woman in his life that makes him happier than I ever could. I truly am. It is what we both have been working towards…being happy again.
And no, I am not jealous of her. I just miss being able to count on him. And I can’t do that anymore.
So another ‘steady’ in my life is gone.
I posted this pig again because it’s the best heavy sigh I have. And he’s just as cute as a bug’s ear. *snortz*