Oct 20th again….


Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21

Your ability to do what others cannot isn’t likely to fail you today, and you can give your reputation a needed boost as a result.

WTH is THAT about?? I’d rather read “you will drop 10lbs this month just because you are YOU.”   *snortz* That’d be nice.

October 20th. The day our journey into hell started 3 years ago. 3 years already. Maybe this is why you have been on my mind so much lately. You and Auntie…who died one year ago today. Two people who were and still are important to me. I think one day that Bobby’s sisters and I need to spend some time with him at his house in Italy and drain a bottle or 6 of good Italian wine in memory of you two. I really need to post the photo of the photo Auntie took in Columbia? of the 2 chairs. The first time I saw that print, all I could see was the two of you sitting in those chairs watching the rest of us try to cope with the loss.

Tonight I am going to yet another football game. And another next Tuesday night as my G’son’s team is in the playoffs!! And I hope to get to ALL Cullan’s playoff games. Fingers crossed!!

spider and cat.gif

I just found this. It is HYSTERICAL!!! I’ve been laughing for 10 minutes!!

I put Panaway Essential Oils in my diffuser last night. I think I got 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I will be doing that again tonight. I can’t take the no sleep nights. Especially if I am not riding a bike first.

*snortz again*

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Hi you….

I went to Cullan’s final regular season game last night. He’s a senior now. I know RIGHT?? WTH!

I remember the day I told you he was on his way back in 1999. I will always laugh at that.

“Nick? how do you feel about sleeping with a grandma?”



And thanks for scaring me…???

Cullan Papa Truck walking back.jpeg

That boy loves you so, Papa. And he misses you so much. They all do.

crying sigh

Anyway, back to the game, it was, once again, was a massacre…..well almost. I think they gave them 20 pity points. Now before you think that sounds odd? They were playing all 1st string players? Our 1st string started sitting out the middle of the second quarter. Our freshman were playing. 52 – 20 was the final. LP is 0-7 , ooops 0-8 now. You would have been so proud Papa, of this young man. Not only watching him play, but how he watches out for his younger brother, and his foster brother. All 3 of them played last night, Papa!!  It was AWESOME to see!!  It was senior/parents night. And all the players were recognized. It was so nice.


They auctioned off the game ball. All the players signed it. I bid it up to $850. Then I quit. I really wanted to have it. Last years game ball went for $400. The money goes back into the football program. So it is a good thing.

cullan football 2017

Aubree was Nonna’s girl last night, Papa. I wish you could have gotten to know her. She was with us the night you died. I’ll not soon forget that she looked like hell. Runny nose, red eyes, tired, scared, clinging to Brandon like he was LIFE. Now, she is smiling, happy, healthy, and laughs! It’s so wonderful to see. She loves it when I hug her like you would have. She’s not so afraid now.

Your Jules has dimples you can swim in. She looks at the photo of you huggin’ the stuffin’ out of her at her birthday party just 8 weeks before you died. ‘That’s Papa!’ Yes, love , it is. ‘I miss him.’ We all do, love. She was only 2 when you died, but she remembers your love.

Today the dawn breaks slowly, I love how the fog hovers of that trout stream across the way.

fog on the creek this morning

I am exhausted today. The pain in my hips and back was almost unbearable last night. And for some reason, you were heavy on my mind. We talked. But as usual, you didn’t give me the answers I wanted. And you never will.

The kitchen looks so much better. The shower will get done yet this month. The house doesn’t look QUITE so much like OUR house anymore. It’s getting to be MY house. And it has to be this way for me to survive. I redid our bedroom into MY bedroom. But you are still there.

So I don’t know what it is going to take, other than moving. And I don’t really want to do that.

I know you told me not to mourn long. That has turned out to be easier said than done.

nicks butterfly

Because your love? Is still felt by everyone. And we all see the signs you send.

I love you. Always will.

nick and sue dancing

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NOBODY MOVE! Ive lost my damn mind!!.png
Now that I have your attention…..(and this  /\  made me pee mahself laffing)

I posted on FB that I had deleted 30 people from my friends list.  Either because they never post so I don’t recall how I know them, or I simply don’t remember them – they never post. Wait…..WHAT??? Anyway….they never tell me hello or reply to any of my posts. And I simply want to remove things from my life that I no longer need. Fresh start and all that yanno.

Anyway, on that post, a classmate and I sparred for a bit. I picked on him about not having talked to me this much in 37 years! We got on PM later and chatted for half an hour. It was nice. I’m sad to hear he is getting divorced. He has 2 children 16 & 13. I picked on him some more. “My 2 oldest GRANDCHILDREN are 17 & 14!” We laughed.

He gave me the NICEST compliment. Shocked me. Made me smile. Made me feel so good.

He said “I am so sorry for your loss. You conducted yourself with such poise and grace online.”

Jaw drops.

Thank you M. That means more than you know.

He lives 5 hours away. So no, no chance of dating. Just to be friends again would be nice. That’s all I want as you can never have enough friends. And apparently I just lost 30 on FB!

Anyway, we are going for wine when he’s home for Thanksgiving. We owe each other a hug now.

I told him we may have to set up a driver….*hic*

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Well, well, well…

Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 21:
You are able to do something for the first time and pull it off without a hitch today. Others are envious of your natural “flair.”

Snortz … wonder what the hell THAT was other than to walk away from a best friend because of lies and half truths.


I can, will, and have deleted people for telling lies about me. He was no different. He should have known better. Please….tell me I am the most honest, compassionate, fun, wonderful person you know. Then OOOPS believe a lie about me (like you did with the bitch back in Feb) and come down all OVER my ass and expect me to lay there and TAKE IT???





I’m going to miss those people.

I’m done.



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Friday night…..

So this guy talked me into go out for drinks Friday night.

And I went. I drove so I had some control. I could leave if things got weird. Or he pissed me off. I could just drive away. Problem is he already knows where I live. Seems he lives 4 miles from me and we have a few mutual friends.

Anyway……I enjoyed myself up to a point. He said some things that made me pretty uncomfortable. So we’ll see how the next one goes IF there is a next one. EVERYONE knew him so most of the night he spent talking to them.


I’m not exclusive with anyone. I can date anyone I want. (read that as IF anyone actually asks) *snortz*

Now my g/f just gave me her ex’s #. I’ve known him for almost 20 years. I’m comfortable with him. I like the guy. He has a kitchen to DIE for. He has flirted with me for years. Even when Nick was around. We always laughed. Nick always said “If I wasn’t in the way……..”

She said she’s OK with it. I made her pinky swear.

nicks butterfly.jpg

She said Nick told her it would be OK.

So I sent a text message.

Ball is in his court.

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Thank you, Mary Poppins!!!

This helps me: Blake Edwards/Julie Andrews—–
Sadly, Edwards passed away in 2010 following a bout with pneumonia. Andrews called their marriage a “love story” and, five years after his death, she told Good Morning Britain host Kate Garraway that she was still struggling with the loss.

“We were married 41 years and it was a love story, it was. Success in our marriage was to take it one day at a time and so, lo and behold, 41 years later there we still were,” Andrews revealed in during the interview commemorating The Sound of Music‘s 50th anniversary.

“I’m still dealing with [his death],” she said. There are days when it’s perfectly wonderful and I am myself and then it’s suddenly—sock you in the middle of your gut and you think ‘ah God I wish he were here.'”

“But he is in a way, I think one carries that love always,” Andrews added.

You know? Death sucks. But it is ‘nice?’ to hear on occasion that someone else feels how I feel. I can be perfectly fine driving down the road then BAM….some memory hits me and I cannot breathe. And when I am alone, I give into the grief. Because I feel like it is the only time I can.

Today driving into work… A memory of Nick popped into my head. It is a fun/naughty/OMG kind of memory of something he did when we were work and why I thought of it, I don’t know. He could do the funniest/NAUGHTIEST things…..This one was a doosey! And for the FIRST time, a memory made me smile. I even laughed a bit.

I think of the first time I ever saw him, looking like Dopey from the 7 dwarves, I remember “fireworks on the 5th of July” before we even got together. I remember the first time he kissed my neck. I had never trembled in my LIFE before. I also remember him standing in the parts room, looking at me so intently saying “I’m in this for the LONG haul.”

You DID spend the rest of your life with me

And he was. He was there til his end.

And now I have to make a new ending.

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