STOP!!!

NOBODY MOVE! Ive lost my damn mind!!.png
Now that I have your attention…..(and this  /\  made me pee mahself laffing)

I posted on FB that I had deleted 30 people from my friends list.  Either because they never post so I don’t recall how I know them, or I simply don’t remember them – they never post. Wait…..WHAT??? Anyway….they never tell me hello or reply to any of my posts. And I simply want to remove things from my life that I no longer need. Fresh start and all that yanno.

Anyway, on that post, a classmate and I sparred for a bit. I picked on him about not having talked to me this much in 37 years! We got on PM later and chatted for half an hour. It was nice. I’m sad to hear he is getting divorced. He has 2 children 16 & 13. I picked on him some more. “My 2 oldest GRANDCHILDREN are 17 & 14!” We laughed.

He gave me the NICEST compliment. Shocked me. Made me smile. Made me feel so good.

He said “I am so sorry for your loss. You conducted yourself with such poise and grace online.”

Jaw drops.

Thank you M. That means more than you know.

He lives 5 hours away. So no, no chance of dating. Just to be friends again would be nice. That’s all I want as you can never have enough friends. And apparently I just lost 30 on FB!

Anyway, we are going for wine when he’s home for Thanksgiving. We owe each other a hug now.

I told him we may have to set up a driver….*hic*

Posted in Me

Well, well, well…

Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 21:
You are able to do something for the first time and pull it off without a hitch today. Others are envious of your natural “flair.”

Snortz … wonder what the hell THAT was other than to walk away from a best friend because of lies and half truths.

I WILL WATCH ME

I can, will, and have deleted people for telling lies about me. He was no different. He should have known better. Please….tell me I am the most honest, compassionate, fun, wonderful person you know. Then OOOPS believe a lie about me (like you did with the bitch back in Feb) and come down all OVER my ass and expect me to lay there and TAKE IT???

I

don’t

think

so.

I’m going to miss those people.

I’m done.

 

 

Posted in Me

Friday night…..

So this guy talked me into go out for drinks Friday night.

And I went. I drove so I had some control. I could leave if things got weird. Or he pissed me off. I could just drive away. Problem is he already knows where I live. Seems he lives 4 miles from me and we have a few mutual friends.

Anyway……I enjoyed myself up to a point. He said some things that made me pretty uncomfortable. So we’ll see how the next one goes IF there is a next one. EVERYONE knew him so most of the night he spent talking to them.

Ugh.

I’m not exclusive with anyone. I can date anyone I want. (read that as IF anyone actually asks) *snortz*

Now my g/f just gave me her ex’s #. I’ve known him for almost 20 years. I’m comfortable with him. I like the guy. He has a kitchen to DIE for. He has flirted with me for years. Even when Nick was around. We always laughed. Nick always said “If I wasn’t in the way……..”

She said she’s OK with it. I made her pinky swear.

nicks butterfly.jpg

She said Nick told her it would be OK.

So I sent a text message.

Ball is in his court.

Posted in Me

Thank you, Mary Poppins!!!

This helps me: Blake Edwards/Julie Andrews—–
Sadly, Edwards passed away in 2010 following a bout with pneumonia. Andrews called their marriage a “love story” and, five years after his death, she told Good Morning Britain host Kate Garraway that she was still struggling with the loss.

“We were married 41 years and it was a love story, it was. Success in our marriage was to take it one day at a time and so, lo and behold, 41 years later there we still were,” Andrews revealed in during the interview commemorating The Sound of Music‘s 50th anniversary.

“I’m still dealing with [his death],” she said. There are days when it’s perfectly wonderful and I am myself and then it’s suddenly—sock you in the middle of your gut and you think ‘ah God I wish he were here.'”

“But he is in a way, I think one carries that love always,” Andrews added.
http://www.countryliving.com/life/entertainment/a45254/julie-andrews-and-blake-edwards-love-story/?src=nl&mag=clg&list=nl_ccr_news&date=101617

You know? Death sucks. But it is ‘nice?’ to hear on occasion that someone else feels how I feel. I can be perfectly fine driving down the road then BAM….some memory hits me and I cannot breathe. And when I am alone, I give into the grief. Because I feel like it is the only time I can.

Today driving into work… A memory of Nick popped into my head. It is a fun/naughty/OMG kind of memory of something he did when we were work and why I thought of it, I don’t know. He could do the funniest/NAUGHTIEST things…..This one was a doosey! And for the FIRST time, a memory made me smile. I even laughed a bit.

I think of the first time I ever saw him, looking like Dopey from the 7 dwarves, I remember “fireworks on the 5th of July” before we even got together. I remember the first time he kissed my neck. I had never trembled in my LIFE before. I also remember him standing in the parts room, looking at me so intently saying “I’m in this for the LONG haul.”

You DID spend the rest of your life with me

And he was. He was there til his end.

And now I have to make a new ending.

Posted in Me

Am I trying….too hard?

Sagittarius:  Nov 22-Dec 21:
You know just how far you’ve come, and also how far you still have to go — so don’t let anyone slow you down today! Keep moving forward.

I’m trying. I’m trying…..I think I’m trying……..Ok, I’ve stopped.

Ana sleeping.gif
Neither Lennox nor I wanted to get up this morning. He smiled when I told him tomorrow we can sleep in. He, of course, will be up and at ’em at 7am. *3 year olds…..hrumph* I have been invited to breakfast at M’s. New guy I’m speaking with. I have to get to recycles and talk to that tall drink of water there. Oh, and drop off my recycles. Then get home and get things together for the car club get together and the bonfire Saturday night.

ana i am awake.gif

Sunday is my Italian daughter’s 17th birthday…She loves chocolate. OK! I just have to find the place for us all to go eat. She likes Applebee’s. I have to teach her new things. Ugh.

Things have been overwhelming me lately. I just realized that I have lost 4 men from my life in the last 15 months. Four men who were/are very important to me.

Two I have lost to death.

One I have lost to indifference.

And one to a girlfriend.

sad rabbit.gif
I’ve written enough about the two I lost to death. Neither one I seem to able to wrap my head around yet. Nick is getting easier. I watched him die. I held his face in my hands as he left this world. I buried him. and I have slept alone for almost 15 months. It should be sinking in by now.

Brian………is the one I am having hardest time with because I didn’t get to go to his service. I didn’t get to tell him Goodbye. I can’t even go to his grave and talk to him. He was cremated and his family has him at home. I would like to go sit by him and tell him I loved him, that I was proud to have him in my life. I never did while he was alive, although I know he knew. He was a dear friend and confidant. A great hugger and a better listener. His smile would light up a room. We had some of the BEST times in the 2 hours we’d spend together. He would come to town once every 6 or 8 months. There is a huge hole in my life no one can fill now that he is gone.

The one I lost to indifference. This one I find the saddest. A fun, vibrant, sexy, healthy man who just doesn’t give a shit anymore. He and I became good friends (or so I am wondering lately) over the last 20 years. I wish I could say we were more than friends during Nick’s heavy drinking days, but I can’t. We both wanted…..I just couldn’t cross that line no matter WHAT Nick was doing.  And now? Well, he just doesn’t give a shit. I find it harder and harder to try to talk to him. It seems he is always mad at me. Or making me feel stupid. I am outgoing and try to have fun. He complains my trying to make him smile only makes things worse.  He’s promised me another motorcycle ride. I don’t know if I will go.

And he won’t care.

And that makes me want to cry. Because I have always enjoyed having him in my life.

When you count on people to be a steady thing in your life, and they stop being that….it is hard to deal with that loss. Because it is a loss.  I mourn everyone I lose. No matter how I lose them.

Which brings me to the 4th man. I came to rely on this man so much in the 15 months since Nick died. He was there when I needed a vehicle fixed, a tree limb cut, closet fixed, ceiling fan installed, or a shoulder to cry on.

I am BEYOND happy that he has a new woman in his life that makes him happier than I ever could. I truly am. It is what we both have been working towards…being happy again.

And no, I am not jealous of her. I just miss being able to count on him. And I can’t do that anymore.

So another ‘steady’ in my life is gone.

sighing pig I posted this pig again because it’s the best heavy sigh I have. And he’s just as cute as a bug’s ear. *snortz*

Posted in Me

Wait…………..What??

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 – Dec 21
You must be willing to share if you don’t want to find yourself overrun with those who can take from you what you most want to keep.

huh

What the hell is that sposed to mean? My brain seems fried today.

Last night was G’ma and G’pa Grapes 77th anniversary celebration at the usual Wednesday night Chicken-fest. I love that place. And I enjoy going. That chicken is SO good!

But I won’t be going much anymore. I’ll get a free dinner during my birthday month. That may be the last time I go. I have to find new and different things to do now. I have to get out of the rut I am in. I have to depend on myself more than I am doing now. My friend has a g/f now and I felt like a 5th wheel last night.

I did the best thing for myself last night and removed my profile from the 2 dating sites I was on. I’m done looking. He will need to come find me.

I felt a load lift off my shoulders immediately. I’m thinking I am meant to be alone.

And that is fine with me………………..for now.

Posted in Me

Yesterday wasn’t good…..

sighing pig.gif

My eyes locked on the photo of Nick I posted from our trip to the Gulf in 1995. All I could see was him. How he looked, how he felt, and OMG that smile. It made the corners of his eyes crinkle up. He had the best smile lines………………

Even this morning, thinking of this post and composing it in my head, my eyes leaked.

I have many more days where I am OK now. Just once in a bit that things slam back into me and I miss him more than I can deal with.

I had hoped that by now, I would have someone in my life that would make me not remember Nick so much. This is one of the main reasons I didn’t want to date any of his friends. I guess I don’t want all the reminders.

What do I want in my life?

kissing neck

Doesn’t everyone?

I want someone that makes me feel like this. And not every man will make me feel this way. I cannot help that. Nick taught me well…..

Posted in Me

Made in Heaven….

It’s a movie starring Kelly McGillis and Timothy Hutton.

From Wiki: In a small Pennsylvania town in 1957, Mike Shea (Hutton) dreams of escaping small town life and moving to California with his girlfriend Brenda Carlucci. But Brenda leaves him with his motor running and Mike takes off alone. Along the way, he rescues a woman and her children from a river but perishes himself. He finds himself in Heaven, where his Aunt Lisa greets him, and explains the rules and regulations. Once in the ethereal realm, Mike falls in love with a heavenly guide named Annie Packert (McGillis).

Their love is abruptly interrupted because Annie has not yet earned her wings on Earth; she must leave on a tour of duty and put in time inhabiting a human body. Mike is beside himself with despair, but the heavenly powers, in the form of Emmett Humbird, chain-smoking and sporting an orange crew-cut, offer him a deal. Mike can return to Earth, with the stipulation neither he nor Annie will remember each other. He then has thirty years in which they must find each other again.

Nick and I loved this movie. We would always look at each other and say “Nah, it won’t take us 30 years.”

As I walked out the door this morning into the crisp autumn air, I thought about this movie for some reason. Wondering if this is really true.

Where does our soul, our essence, the thing that makes us ‘us’, go when you die? Nick always wondered. “We HAVE to come back”, he would say. Otherwise where would all these souls be kept?? Stored? You don’t just ‘disappear’………..(Remember the shower thing???)

Saturday for the wedding, the weather was rainy and dreary. Sunday for the Memorial Cruise? PERFECT!! Sunny and warm and beautiful.

Tell me Nick didn’t have a hand in Sunday’s weather??  I KNOW his essence isn’t GONE. He’s still with us. Because a man this vibrant and sparkling and fun and FULL of so much life…cannot just disappear.

Nick at the gulf.JPG

So…I come back to the movie………………..What do you think? Where does the part of us that makes us ‘us’ ……..go?

I have to believe we come back in another body…..because some of us are just too ‘much’ to go away.

Posted in Me

I almost FORGOTTED!!

With all that went on this weekend………Thanks for the reminder!!!!

Ben and Brit

I went to the wedding reception and dance Saturday night for my dear friend’s son. Marghe and I had some AWESOME suppers, she had chicken (she LOVES chicken) and I had pork….VERY good….along with 3 glasses *hic* of Muscato.

oops.gif

oops….*hic*

So I switched to water after Marghe’s friend picked her up. She’s not much for dancing. And I wanted to stay.

I had a WONDERFUL time talking to the Groom’s family. They mean so much to me. They were there for me so many times after Nick passed. I love them all to bits and back.

And I love how his Great G’ma has no filter and said some things to me that absolutely warmed my heart to bursting. I love those two stinkers….

Posted in Me