The witchhunt continues…..

Sagittarius with dateYou know when and where to start, and you’ll know when it’s time to stop — but in the middle, you may have to trust in luck.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM interesting. Start what when? Stop what when… I in the middle NOW???? ugh.

Guess what???? I haven’t lost it the last 3 nights!!!!! Hopefully this stretch will continue for a few weeks again. It really wipes me out when I am so down in the dumps. I can’t get anything done at home. And I have a lot more boxes to sort.

But I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Jim Nabors/Gomer Pyle has died. This makes me so sad. One by one, the icons of my childhood are passing away.

WTF?????? NO. Enough. Geoffrey Rush denied allegations of “inappropriate behavior” against him and accused Sydney Theater Company (STC) of attempting to “smear his name.”

Rush, 66, said in a statement Wednesday through his lawyers he “denies” being involved in “inappropriate behavior” when he was in the STC production of “King Lear” in 2015.

“Not to afford a person their right to know what has been alleged against them, let alone not inform them of it but release such information to the public is both a denial of natural justice and is not how our society operates,” Rush’s lawyers said, according to the Sydney Morning Herald . Read the whole story here:


This is getting BEYOND. If they are going to accuse, then they cannot hide. I get some of it…but no, you cannot accuse, hide, and NOT EVEN TELL THE GUY….21 months ago, this person levied accusations and they didn’t even inform Mr. Rush?? But informed the media FIRST?? wow. Just wow.

And Garrison Keillor????? WHAT??????

I feel like I’m in Salem, MA.


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The bubble is bursting….

Sagittarius with dateYou cannot expect to control all aspects of your day, especially when your emotions come into play during afternoon hours.

This was me yesterday. I told a guy off. oops.

To explain what seems to be going on….for a long time after the death of a loved one, you live in a bubble of numbness. My bubble has been disappearing over the last few months. I’m actually rather surprised it took this long. The real pain of losing my husband is setting in and it’s pissing me off, making me hurt like I never thought I could. I’m waiting on the anger one is sposed to feel at him leaving me. Not here yet. And to top it off, my daughter is making me go through his stuff and the memories pouring back are painful. I miss him more than ever. I just have to work through it.


I actually had him come to me in a dream the weekend I went to the cities. All I really remember is he was with me at Jon’s house. And that Sunday morning he was insistent that we leave between 9 and 9:30am.

But he was with me. That is the main point.

I miss him. I hate this dating shit. I hate the fact that I seem to compare everyone to Nick and they come up lacking. Nick was by no means perfect. He was just perfect for me.

So I just keep putting myself out there……..

…………..and hoping.

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I can?? REALLY???


Sagittarius with dateYou don’t want to come off half-cocked today — nor do you want someone else to do the same. You can exert a necessary influence all day.

I had all this stuff for blogs running through my mind on the way into work today. I should put my phone on record so I can dictate and stop forgetting everything. Had an AWESOME line for yesterday … forgot it. A perfect post forming in my head…forgot it.



Ana sleeping
I really wish the holidays were over. I’m not dealing with them well. And with some of my family. I have one sibling seems to be HELL BENT on putting the kybosch on anything I want to do. It’s simply not good enough for her. I’m 4 years older than her, not a 4 year old as she seems to want to think lately.

And I’ll tell ya, it’s embarrassing to have your own relatives tell you your sibling is a bitch. Wow.

Let’s just add one more thing to the mix in my head threatening to explode. I may just take Marghe and go somewhere for the holidays.

They were all bent out of shape because I didn’t go to Thanksgiving. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want to put up with anyone. I put on the group text that my daughters and I would not be attending the Thanksgiving meal AT A RESTAURANT-(read that as ew! ICK!). We had a nice day at home anyway. I didn’t have to drive for several hours. WIN WIN!!

I have this new place I find news stories. And it’s rather interesting.  The heading is Good Sh*t. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahha and I’ve read 3 stories this morning. I like this place. I’m signed up for it now. Check it out…………….?

sunrise 11282017.jpeg I’m parked at the end of my driveway this morning and I see this. My sunrise.

It may just be a good day after all.

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Welcome back to your desk. Good luck pretending to work.

46,30,65,26,46,57,61,37 <—the ages in the obituary notices I rec’d in my email this morning. Jaysus…..Getting YOUNGER all the time….This is not good.

So the depression got worse over the holiday. Family reasons. I have to believe they just don’t get it. And please don’t tell me you do just because you lost an uncle, or a father in law, or a cousin. It is not the same as losing the one you planned to grow old with, the one who slept by your side, made you feel safe and loved, held you when the thunder cracked far too loud. If you still have your S/O? Then NO, you do not know what it is like. I am alone now. You still have your S/O.

You can imagine. You can hurt because you lost your relative or friend. But until you lose the one you love/sleep with/make love to….you simply can’t.

I really did think I was doing better……*she types as she sits here in tears AGAIN dammit* But I don’t know how much of this is missing Nick, or just plain being lonely.

I need new memories to replace the old….new experiences…..

Sagittarius with dateYou know more than you think you do — but less than someone else who is preparing to challenge you in a significant way. Be ready!


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Oh man….and I was doing so WELL!

I am in such a funk right now and I don’t see myself coming out of it. A long talk with a man I thought of as someone I could always count on…showed me I can’t anymore. These last few days have NOT been good. I haven’t been sleeping and I just need to hide again.  This is the way I’m feeling and I do not like it. I am angry, sad, lonely and just lost.

Sagittarius with dateCriticism comes your way today, but you know how to handle it without threatening any of your personal relationships.

Today? Don’t really give two shits.

I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving. I don’t want to be with people. Period. I’m seriously thinking of just going to the town celebration and then going back home. My daughter can take my daughter to the family thing.

I have NEVER felt this unsociable that I can remember.

You all know me…usually pretty damn upbeat and quirky and somewhat bat shit crazy. Not full blown bat shit crazy like Jad……just slightly off my rocker, enough to be sane yet just enough to have fun. (think it’s cause I’m older than her and I discovered sex as better than chocolate in my early 30’s.)

I’m going to have to do some serious drinking this 4 day weekend.

Maybe it will be the attitude adjustment I need.

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I’m trying, Nick, I really am….

You asked me to not mourn you for very long. Nearly impossible, love. You were the love of my life. A force to reckon. I will always love you.


You asked me to move on with my life and find someone new. I’m trying. I really am. I want someone to talk to, to spend time with, to enjoy life with no matter what we do. I don’t want to be alone. I am too outgoing to come home and be alone every night.

I am doing my damnedest to NOT compare anyone to you. I try. I really do. You are the yardstick I need to break.

Nick at the dells 1994

I have to admit when I was in the cities this weekend, Jon and I talked about you. But when we were out and about? It was ‘us’. Jon and I as a couple. You weren’t there. I found that amazing. It’s a start. Maybe I’m healing. Jon and I are not a couple. We will always be friends. It just felt like we were this weekend. I know you would approve of he and I, but it won’t happen.

Sweetheart….I love you. I always will.

Nick and Sue benefit

And now……….even though this is a lifelong journey? learning to cope without you? You are on the sidelines now.

Watch me grow.

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My trip this weekend…..

So I went to see my friend T in the cities this weekend. She has taken courses in college for writing. She gave me some good insight, some good tips, and some homework.



Yes, I have to have get started on 3 to 5 pages …. “Start your story. Tell some background about how you two met and why you started writing the online journal.” she says.

“OK.” I replied. “How fast do you need them? Next week?”

“Oh no, take a couple months to write it out.”

Well hell. I do that I’ll forget what I’m sposed to be writing about!!! heh heh heh

As we were sitting there in Perkins, my first line came to me so I look for an app for typing it out. I bought a tablet mainly for this project. I’ve never had a tablet. You have to download just about everything.


Oh joy.

I kept repeating this line in my head so I wouldn’t forget it while downloading Note. Luckily it didn’t take long. I wrote out my line. Heaved a sigh of relief and thought “Well, there. I’ve started it.”

And thoughts kept flying through my head. About the trip to Italy was to be OUR vacation to see Matteo. How much he would love Marghe and what joy Earn would have brought him. How I do everything alone now. How I am trying not to mourn him for so long and get on with my life.

Nick saying something most likely entirely inappropriate

And how I had hoped for that this weekend….it didn’t work out. Jon and I are just too connected as friends to be lovers. Disappointing yet if I had to CHOOSE someone for it to not work out with, Jon was the one. (we had a great laugh over THAT line!!)  He and I have such a connection that what could have been an embarrassing failure? …turned into just a fun friend weekend. He is awesome to snuggle with. He loves me no matter what.

He’s a steady in my life. One I can always count on.

Well, I have to work on homework tonight…………………………ugh.

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Life…it just keeps happening…

I forgot to tell you all about another childhood friend who passed away early November….When I was 14 years old, I met Bryan. He was adorable….just a few months older than me. I babysat a LOT for his sister. Our families became close and we became friends. Then his family moved to Arizona and we lost touch. He ended up in Pensacola, FL.

His funeral was last Saturday.  *wipes a tear*

Sagittarius with dateYour emotions may be unusually sharp today, bubbling near the surface. That could be trouble if you don’t maintain control.

An interesting Horrorscope this morning. Glad it’s not tomorrow’s when I go to the cities! Ugh, I almost hate to see tomorrow’s.

I’m looking forward to seeing what I have to get together to start this book that Mike has decided I should write; now the idea intrigues me. I’m just happy my friend T knows where to start. I just hope it helps someone. Learning to cope with the loss of your other half, as Nick was to me, is beyond difficult. Almost 16 months later, there are times when the fact can still drop me to my knees.

But lately, memories have been coming back and they make me smile instead of lose it. There are still days it’s very hard. I’m hoping one day to have a relationship again. I know it will help me to put Nick in the past. Never forgotten but not forefront in my mind.

I cannot wait to get to the cities tomorrow night. TOMORROW NIGHT!! Dayum!! I gotta pack!!

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