Last night was rough…..

I’ve spent the last few months picking away at things getting them sorted and ready to either go to the trash, Operation Homefront to include in care packages, given away, donated…..

I sat at my desk last evening and started in on THAT mess.

…and pulled out the bag with all of Nick’s medical papers. I started going thru everything to make sure there was nothing I really needed to keep. And ended up with a 3 ring binder, clear page inserts and 7 notepads.

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And tears rolling as I once again lived all that he went through. Things I had forgotten, care at home instructions, all the folders he got every time he was in the hospital (7 that I found) filled with pamphlets on how to……..

How did I ever get through all that…..?

Certainly not unscathed.

I simply do not know how Nick made it through what he did for as long as he did. He had SUCH strength.

We had a talk last night. I told him it was time for me to move on.

No lightening bolts came from the sky so I guess he’s good with that.

Wish me luck with Ted, my love.

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Today

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I don’t have a lot today.

I do know, however, I am looking forward to seeing T on Friday night providing he isn’t working till late. He starts a new job Wednesday and he’ll find out his hours then. Hopefully.

I have a wake/funeral on Friday later afternoon. My friend Rhonda, with whom I was very close to a few years back, passed away at age 63. We had lost touch, reconnected on Facebook but not very well as I seldom heard from her.  I had heard she contracted lung cancer but she wouldn’t talk about it.

She was a regular Dr. Doolittle. A fascinating woman – I am NOT kidding. Her animals LOVED her. And she loved them. It always was a JOY to watch her interact with them. She had a collection of different chickens, cattle, horses, pigs…the list goes on. I LOVED going to her house. So relaxing and peace-filled.

I feel a hole in my life just got bigger. She will be missed.

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Saturday…

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I won’t be SKIING but Nick and I always wanted to go to the Ski Jump the first weekend in Feb. Skiers from around the world compete here that weekend. I am hoping it’s as much fun to watch as it looks to do. *snickers*

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So I had a date Friday night. We spent 3 hours at the restaurant enjoying some really good prime rib and such. Talking and thinking and laughing.

I like this guy.

Today we did some serious talking. And while it’s hard to do via text, we’ll expand on it when we are together again. Today got the ball rolling on things we need to discuss and got them out in the open.

Keep your fingers crossed the next date goes as well.

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One of my next projects…

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I want to put a shower up outside my back door. I’m sure it won’t be THIS elaborate, but I have a picture in my head. And I can already feel the water on my skin…..My plumber thinks I’m nuts , but he is on board with the idea.

If you haven’t discovered the ?? of being Au Natural out of doors yet? Please do so. And as soon as weather permits. You are NEVER too old. The joy of rainwater or warm breezes on your skin…I feel like it releases something inside me. I have my screen porch where I can sit after dark and no one can see me. I leave my shower without drying off, walk out to my screen porch and just enjoy the warm summer breeze drying me off. I should warn my kids then just sleep out there one evening.

I started talking with a guy online on Wednesday. I met him for wine Thursday (last night). We are going for supper tonight.

We are also discussing the pros and cons of neckties. *falls down giggling*

I’ll keep you posted.

He makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
He makes me snort coffee all over my computer screen.

He may have potential!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahaaa!!!

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Does it help you?

music helps me escape

I find that when I don’t get to listen to my music ? I get ……..something. I hate to say anxious because I don’t have anxiety attacks. I don’t feel …….. complete. I LOVE to sing at the top of my lungs driving down the road. I have ever since Nick died just over 18 months ago. It helped me through the day. And I hear I have gotten quite good. *snortz*

I have so many CD’s I listen to. And it’s time to rotate them again. Eagles “Hell Freezes Over” will stay in but I will be adding Ronnie Milsap and Stevie Wonder tonight.I LOVE me some Ronnie.

Pentatonix Christmas album…ya. I need to take that out but I LOVE their sound!

Meeting the new guy for a glass of wine tonight. I hope I don’t chicken out. Again.

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My horrorscope today:

You know that something quite unusual is going on, but you cannot name it nor can you do anything to stop it — just yet.

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Hmmmmmmmmmm I have spent 3 hours today talking with a man online and having a BLAST. He is so funny!

We have a date Friday night. Wish me luck!!

 

 

 

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It’s a bootiful day…..

…………..OK. Sometimes I lie about the weather. It’s chilly out there. Mid 20*’s for the high. (that is about 3*C for those using that scale) We got a crap-ton of RAIN yesterday before it turned to snow. So we have frozen slush under this white crap. Makes it hard to walk in high heels. (snortz)

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We got only about an inch of snow. But if all the rain we had would have been white crap? 12-18″ of it. It just POURED yesterday.

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And it’s just warm enough for a lot of that to melt  and it will refreeze in new and fun patterns to walk on. *sigh*

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I like Olaf’s idea better. I wanna build a snowman. Or those foot tall snow humps in the front lawn, then you push glow sticks in for eyes and watch people drive in the ditch. Ya. That’ll be fun…..WHAT??? Sheesh…lemme have some fun!

Well, my slightly quirky, really bat shit crazy friend has found a diamond in the rough. I’m happy for her. She’s had a rough life till she discovered sex. *smiles* Me? I had a boring life till I discovered making love. (Thank you Nick! And I love you always.)

I know one day my new love will walk into my life and turn it upside down. I will hear his song.

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I think I’m ready for that.

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My bat shit crazy friend…

……..is giving me some inspiration. I feel I am ready to go out there and be ready to accept a date. Without having a nervous breakdown. OK, MAYBE not have a nervous breakdown.

I had an interesting conversation with a man on Friday. He would like me to join ‘them’ (Whoever ‘them’ is) for trivia night. I think this would be fun. He told me the questions that were missed last week. I answered them. He wants me on their team. *laughs*

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I can’t this Thursday night as it is my daughter’s birthday and my other daughter’s night to do Homeland Security paperwork. We are going to a place that has been in continuous business as a restaurant since 1878. I’ve not had a bad meal there yet.

http://www.thegoldenfrog.com/history/
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Why do I have a gif of a bat flying around? Because of Jad being ‘bat shit crazy’?

No, because for the first time in a number of years, I had one of the little ‘fu******s’ flying around IN MY HOUSE!!

I do not mind them outside flying around my yard. In fact, if I knew how to ENCOURAGE that, I would. They have a huge appetite for skeeters.

However, flying around INSIDE my house is highly discouraged! I just sat huddled in the corner of the couch while the cat and dog both halfheartedly jumped at it. Then my SIL came down and soon he had it caught. Out the door it went.

bat flying

I don’t like the way they hiss at me and show those fangs.

Gotta love my spam emails.  “Find exotic Asian girls in E*******!!”

Um, the population of my town? 524 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahah!!! The only exotic Asian girl in MY town was my daughter from last year!! Earn was stunning and I miss her so much.

I will be having a funeral soon, I’m afraid. My crazy Scottish friend (sister to my auntie) is not doing well at all. I stopped to see her a few weeks ago. She was sleeping. I don’t know how long she’ll be. I am already mourning her as she cannot communicate anymore.

I love you, Numpty and hug my Nick for me!

Y’all have a great week!

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Dearest Nick,

I miss you.

Every day.

I can’t help it. Twenty three years was not long enough to spend with you. I sometimes feel we were just getting started. We had so much more to do. So many things left undone.

have you ever just stopped and realized that if you hadnt met a certain person your life would be completely different
I really wanted us to drive our Mustangs to a show together. That would have been a sight. Me in my ’65 Fastback, you in your ’69 Mach. I still plan on taking both to a show once. I’ll just have to have someone else drive one of them. In your memory. I know Cullan would love to.

I have that shelf on the wall yet. You know the one – we bought it at Goodwill. It will stay there.

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I remember that day when I found it. We looked at it. You read it out loud to me. We stood in the store hugging and crying. When we got home, I hung it up as fast as I could in a place where I knew we would see it every day.

You only got to see it about a year.

I still look at it every day.

I do wish I had met you back when I was 17. I think we would have had the same stormy relationship we did, but I wouldn’t change our life together for all the money in the world. I couldn’t breathe when you weren’t with me. Even when you were having your trouble and we weren’t together.  We were meant to be together for as long as we were.

I loved you more than words can say. I still do.

But it’s time for me to move on now. I finally feel it.

I already know I have your blessing, hon.

Thank you for that.

Nick and Sue by Bec

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I must be healing

……..and my posts must be getting boring.

I’m the only one liking them? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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I’m starting back with Weight Watchers soon. I am talking with a friend about being an accountability buddy. Fingers crossed.

I am ready to date mentally but I’m not happy with my body image so it’s time to do something about it. I’ve already been doing aerobics every day between 5 – 30 minutes per day depending on where I am. I am also going to start walking on these nice days. I won’t go out in below zero crap. But Spring is on it’s way.

And I must find someone to put my rowing machine together for those below zero days.

I had a nice chat with my friend Dan last night. We were talking about my having lost interest in so many things over the last 18 months. And how I’m starting to take interest in things again. I loved what he said.

~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~You are rebuilding. Day by day ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That is about right. I just smiled. And it made me feel good inside. And I’m still smiling today when I think about it. I don’t know why but it made me feel like it put things in perspective.

So I will keep rebuilding my life. Not as I had planned with Nick, but alone, or maybe one day with a new love. Only time will tell.

Thank you, Dan. I love you.

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