I paused for 2 months….

  I do not even know how to BEGIN to write this. I was hoping to be able to
celebrate 5 months of sobriety with you. Instead there is NO time line to celebrate.
You didn’t care enough to want it. And you still don’t.

   I have been disappointed and angry for 2 months. When I found out you were
drunk at Christmas…did you think I wouldn’t? I know you don’t care but I
wanted you to know how I sat there in tears after learning that.

   I’m just sorry you don’t care.

   But I am done being disappointed and angry.

   You and I talked and talked about this. So why you are continuing to try to contact
me….I don’t understand. Other than the fact that you don’t care. I told you that if
you made the decision to NOT stick with AA and sobriety, that you would lose me.
All contact with me. Nothing. There would be NOTHING. Apparently you don’t care
enough about me OR YOURSELF to take that seriously.

   I simply CANNOT watch you kill yourself. And that IS what you are doing. You are
slowly poisoning yourself. Apparently you do not want to be a father to your daughters
anymore and you do not want to be Grandpa to any of the children Ja.. or Je..
may have – one of the most JOYOUS things that can happen in a parent’s life. But you
are too selfish to see this.

   This letter is to let you know I have removed you from my phone, my computer, my
address book and my life.

   I am done. I love you. But I am done.

   You have ONE chance to be back in my life. Your sponsor comes to see me with you
with PROOF you have been sober one full year. I will need solid proof that they ARE your sponsor.

   This is the only way. Lie to me? And it is over for good. Period. You know I will.

   Until then, do not call me. Do not come to see me. Do not write or text me. I will delete, not answer, or throw away anything from you that comes my way.

It is in the mail. I have no idea what will happen. I just know I can’t anymore.

I will pray for him to find his way.

I like this idea…

……………I like it a lot. I need to put a shelf up where I can put a candle or two.

Have you ever showered to candlelight? It is so soothing and peaceful. Try it. Let me know what you think.

I never thought of showering that way until Nick dared me to try it one night. I cannot even begin to describe how calming it was.

I’m going to need this tonight.

A guy from F&H just came in and told us Cody committed suicide. We always had fun conversations and he could make me laugh.

DAMN IT!

A method to my madness….??

What you do today is likely to rub others the wrong way — until they recognize the method to your madness, and jump on the bandwagon.

Well….OK then!

I’M UP!!

 

Nothing today….

I was told I’m too much work. Just going quiet for now.

A little tax time humor….

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says:  “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,”what is your  occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK., I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl?’

“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

“Good enough.”

so that guy from yesterday….

….has been on my mind. I’m still chuckling at the offhanded way he invited me out.

But…..I’m thinking I may meet him for a glass of wine somewhere public.

I keep getting told to get out there and have some fun…….

Thank you Mr. Gill…..

I ADORE Vince Gill and his music.  His “I Still Believe in You” album is one of my all time favorites.

This song has been hitting home for the last few months …. since the numb lifted and the pain and reality has set in.

Love never broke anyone’s heart:

……

A long time ago someone told me
It’s not love that causes the pain
Whenever a heart has been shattered
It’s the losing of love that’s to blame

……

It’s the losing of love that’s to blame.

That line really hit me yesterday morning. Nick’s love never hurt me. It’s when I lost it, through his death, that the pain set in. He was good at making me feel loved. And after he died, I realized more and more just how much he loved me.

I am coming to terms with that. It’s been a long rough road. People have noticed the change in me. I’ll get there.

*facepalms*

Y’all know I work in an office/store with 5 guys. And MOST of the customers that come in are men that work in the construction/dredging/asphalt/power company type businesses.

If you didn’t? You know now. They come in dirty/filthy/well used uniforms or blue jeans, work boots.

Let’s just say the only guys that come in ‘dressed up’ are the sales reps.

So today this guy comes in. It’s only the 2nd time I’ve ever seen him. I do not know his name. I’ve read where he works on the back of his jacket a couple times but it won’t stick in my head because……….well why should it?

The first time he came in a few weeks ago, he stood in my office and chatted me up. I do know he is 4 years younger than I, more than a foot taller (so he has THAT going for him) and he’s kind of funny.

After he left? I promptly forgot about him.

I have HUNDREDS of guys come into our business and call me on the phone. I know my regulars. I’ve been doing this since 1993 so voices stick in my head (which drives SOME people nuts as they think they can sneak by me). Not going to happen.

Anyway, today he comes in with a pressure washer wand, holds it at a ‘rakish’ angle and announces he is having trouble with it. I raised my left eyebrow and just looked at him then giggled.

That may have been a mistake.

He does his thing with the pressure washer stuff and as he’s leaving, he pops his head into my office. I’m on the phone. I figured he would leave while I was chatting with a customer getting an order. Nope. Stood RIGHT there. Waiting. Like a ………………?

I get off the phone and he says ‘See you Saturday night? Bottle of wine?’

I said ‘I’ll be in the cities Saturday night for my daughter to go to an NBA game.’

‘Oh, OK, well I’m moving this weekend anyway.’

And mumbles something else I didn’t catch, then he leaves.

I was sitting here thinking about this…..and burst out laughing….

I hate this dating shit…….

Welcome to my little corner of the institution….

Wonderful thing to wake to this morning. Not.

I could use summa these…

I about died laughing.

I really have nothing more today. I’m just kind of blank today. I look at Nick’s pictures lately and wonder if he was really real.

Then I miss him all over again.

Damn.

 

One Ringy Dingy!

me: RE

Him: I’m looking for a big male.

me: So am I!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahahahaha