Then I dropped it back to every week day as I couldn’t get the damn thing to open at home. Then I could get it open, and will write occasionally from home or while on vacation. I find when I can sit and type out on a keyboard rather than hunt and peck on a smartphone…the words can flow easier….
But I do try….
This has been a rough couple of weeks. The last of the boxes of Nick’s things are in my living room for me to go through. I look at them and I can’t handle all the memories that flood back. I found the ticket stubs from B.B. King. Flyers from places we’d gone. I found so many of the cards and notes I sent him. I had no idea he kept these. My heart hurt by the time I got through that box.
There are days when I question if he was real. We had such a good thing and now I have nothing. Nothing but memories. I would rather have him. I miss him. So much.
I went to a wake Tuesday night. Bernie and Ruby had 12 years together. She became ill with brain cancer and passed away on Sunday. Bernie looked so…..drained. I know exactly how he feels as I went through the same thing with his brother.
Bernie was more than 20 years older than Nick. He’s a good man. Stubborn but that is their way. I feel for him right now. I know how lost he must be. Hearing that Ruby had died from her cancer just threw me back to parts of our journey. The frustration, helplessness, and heartache of knowing things cannot end well. No matter how hard everyone prays.
This will be my goal this year. To love myself again. More than I used to….. I like myself? Now I just have to learn to love myself. Learn how to build my confidence back up again.
Some tell me I still have it.
I just gotta find it.