Aubree and Nonna graduation.jpeg
This little beauty has been my granddaughter for a while now. Today? It became official!! Her name is now changed to my son and daughter in law’s last name!!

Aubree and Earn
Ain’t she just adorabubble! She shares a birthday with her Daddy, my son.
jules cullan aubree
Her big sister and her BIG brother!

Our new little bug is something special and she fits RIGHT in with the rest of them….

Welcome to the family Aub!!!!

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My Brother….

Yesterday was Portland Prairie Services.

This is the cemetery where several generation of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins are buried.

And also my brother.

I’d like to mourn him. But for some reason it is JUST not happening.

I’ve said before he would go weeks without contacting me. Then I’d hear from him for a weekend straight.

He lived with me for a long time up on the ridge. He would come in off the road for a long weekend every 6 weeks. No sense in renting an apartment for that kind of living. So he just ‘rented’ one of my 6 bedrooms. I think he paid me in 6 pounds of butter and a couple gallons of milk. Sometimes a couple steaks so we could grill out.

I got him back involved with the family when Nick and I finally married. He learned then when I said come over you’ll have fun, that I wasn’t kidding.

But then instead of being my brother, he got pretty damn bossy. And I got pretty frustrated with him.

So right now, my emotions about him are pretty messed up.

I have no idea what or how to feel.

How fucked up is THAT?

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friday martini

It does. It really does!

(you tried didn’t you??)

So….any wild plans for the weekend?

C’mon….post ’em in my comments.

Let’s see who has the wildest fun planned for the weekend.

I’m trying to decide between a car show over an hour away, a car show 3.5 miles away, Hoedown, and just staying home. Oh the excitement of it all. ~yawn~

Sunday is all day up by my parents. Heidi is coming in from Kansas. Sunday night my friend is coming from Missouri and staying for a few days while her son goes to Mayo.

My house is finally getting sorted. I’m enjoying it. Except my ‘office’ is a disaster. Time for another bonfire and more paper sorting.

I’m cleaning off my HUGE book case so that can get sold and out of my house. (Photo is from 2010-11)my-desk-area-not-done.jpg
It’s the one behind the black chair and white lamp. It’s HUGE. I love the thing, just don’t need it anymore. The bottom has two sliding doors that store all my maps and guide books.

living room painting 002
Here you can see not only how sturdy that book case is, but the Hot Rod Red walls I used to have.


The desk was a disaster area while I was painting. SO many things are getting packed up and donated now. I’m done storing all this stuff. I have donated enough stuff to start my own store.

Not doing so hot today. First it is 2 years ago today for the funeral. Second, I’m talking with my friend R about the guy I am considering ‘being with’. FwB is what I am after for now. I’m done getting hurt. I don’t care if it is a part of life. I just want something to go right.

Apparently Ken’s defection has hurt more than I thought it would. But I’ll get past it.

If I can survive losing Nick? I can survive ANYTHING.

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Our last photo together

I’m doing MUCH better this year. Still…thinking about this brings a tear to my eye. I’m sure tonight I will go home and lose it. It’s been a while. I’ll watch my youtube videos of him and remember the feel of him under my hand.

I miss him so.

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

Last photo

One year ago, July 27, 2016. His best friend, Joe, is holding me up. Or was I holding him up? Or maybe it was mutual. I don’t recall.  I just know we were both hurting, pretty bad.

I will be forever grateful to my friend Tom for taking photos of the funeral. That day is pretty blurry for me. To have these photos brings it back so I remember. I don’t want to ever forget.

I miss him so.

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Wait…what day is it?

Thurs Happy Fri wait its Thurs

Thursday Day 4 of hostage

Driving my old truck today. Really feeling Nick.

I went and sat at the park for my lunch.

About froze my ass off. Wow!

Grandson heard the truck running this morning.



“Are we taking your truck today?”

Yes, we are.


Nicks truck with stencil 001

I get him to daycare and all the little boys are lined up at the door.

One of them tells me ‘that’s an F100.’ I said ‘yes, it is. How did you know that?’

‘HE TOLD ME’ and he points at this young boy who looked about 7 or 8.

I asked him how he knew what it was.

“I know my trucks.”

Ok, then what year is it………..(the other children are hollaring out 2017! a 2018!!)

“1957” he replied.

My jaw about dropped to the floor.

I said “Who ARE you??”

‘Just a kid who knows his trucks.’


I was suitably impressed.

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The day before….

My lilies are blooming right now. I’m seemingly better this year than last. I haven’t cried for a while till last night. I miss him still. Always will.

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

I think this was the day I met with the pastor about the service. Everything is such a blurrrrrr….

Then I get to work today and realize I’m wearing the same top I wore to the funeral a year ago today (Wednesday) but the date was July 27th.

I read back through some emails to remind me what I did. I guess I wasn’t on the computer.

I do remember sitting on the futon a lot, looking out that window. Just staring….at nothing but my lawn. For hours.

side lawn

Like my life would be for months. Nothing. Nothing but existing. Not living.

all is well.jpg


lillies opened more 1

These lilies are blooming right now and smell AMAZING. The plant is like 6′ tall and has SO many blooms on it again. I sat out on my front platform just smelling it last night.

It was a beautiful, warm, calm night with just a slight breeze. It…

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My heart is broken….

It’s been two years since I posted this. How did I survive?

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

David Lee “Nick” Duerkop passed away Friday, July 22, 2016, after a long and difficult battle with cancer.

Nick for paper

Nick was born Aug. 18, 1957, to Donald and Lucille (Peterson) Duerkop in Wabasha, Minn. He grew up in Alma, Wis., and moved to La Crosse at age 15. He graduated in 1976, from Logan High School.

Nick loved working on cars and small engines. If it didn’t work, it did by the time he got done with it. He especially loved working on the old classics. His favorite being a 1957 F100 he bought from his brother, Gerald, and Sue’s 1965 Mustang. His love of old cars caused these two to win trophies at car shows. He was very proud of this.

He met Sue in the mid 90s, and they married March 20, 2016, after being engaged for almost 20 years.

Nick is survived by his wife, Susan of Ettrick…

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It suddenly dawned on me…..

…that he is having another employee call from his work for parts instead of calling himself.


Either he is embarrassed or REALLY doesn’t want to talk to me ever. How professional.

And yet he asked if I wanted to stay his friend. How strange.


It’s OK.

On to bigger and better things. And I do mean bigger. *eyes get really wide*  I shouldn’t say that. He has awesome shoulders….Better? I don’t know. I really did enjoy my time with him. What is happening is NOT something I would have associated with him.

But now I am free to stalk pursue others.  Maybe I’ll put Tinder back on my phone…..LOL!! Like THAT has worked out well for me.


I may just do the friends with benefits thing for a while. I am too prone to wearing my heart on my sleeve and that gets me hurt. Men, OK SOME men like to take advantage of that. And of course, I’m that widow woman who’s been on the shelf a while. You know what SHE wants. *snortz* 

I had lunch with my boyfrennn Nick today. He’ll be 27 next week. He’s a sweetie. Likes to spend time with this old lady. I love it. Everyone needs a little boyfrennn like Nick in their lives. Makes me feel younger and appreciated. if-there-is-a-slight-chance-at-getting-something-that-will-make-you-happy.jpg
Europe is calling and I am getting nervous. I can’t wait to go but the time now leading up to departure gives me butterflies.  I need to start packing and such. And now on flights in Europe (from Edinburgh to Pisa) you have to prepay for luggage and GUESS what weight you’ll be at.


I’ll pack light. My jeans are 1/3 the weight of my wranglers so I should be good.  I also told Atia I just may leave some of my clothes there. LOL!!

Y’all have a great day!!


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So after a crappy month….

I finally got some GREAT news!!

July 2, 2017 – less than one year after losing my Nick and trying to learn how to cope with the new life, I get a phone call from my doc. I had been in for my routine exam with blood tests a few days earlier.

I’m coming home from church when I notice a voice mail. “Hi, I hate to do this in a phone call but your blood numbers came back off. You are now considered diabetic.” and blah blah blah with the rest of how she wasn’t worried about any of it as my A1C reading was 6.6. A reading of 6.5 is pre-diabetic. No testing except sporadically but we do want to keep an eye on this.

December. 6 months later it’s gone from 6.6 to 6.7 even with Matteo’s hard work while I was in Italy. It depresses me that it has risen. But I still feel ok. Only once in a bit do I feel odd. So I test and it’s usually 120 or so. The higher end of the 80-120 spectrum but still way within limits.

Last Friday. My A1C score has gone from 6.7 to 5.8.





I am beyond pleased as punch.

I’ve already put Ken in the rear view mirror. I’m OK with his leaving. I don’t know as I am even bothered with the ‘no real reason’ anymore. Time to move on.

I have a wedding reception and dance on Saturday. I need a date because I want to dance! Or maybe I should go alone and see what’s there…..? LOL………..

Sunday: Spent a wonderful couple of hours with these two grandsons, having Lunch in Fountain City, visiting with Papa, and having Ice Cream in Alma after our visit. It was so relaxing to just sit by Papa and talk with these two.  They are awesome kids. The older one is now 18 tho. So instead I’ll call them young men. Handsome and talented and very athletic. It’s a joy to spend time with them.cullan caiden nonna on 2nd anny good one

We’ll go see Papa again sometime.


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