I posted this a while ago…

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I miss me. I miss me too. The confident self assured woman I was. Nick made me feel so ‘me’, self confident, sexy, lovable, sensuous. Oh hush. He did.

The old me. The only things I want back from the old me is my waistline. I’m working on that. And my confidence. I think I am actually getting that back. My women friends say they can see it.

The happy me. I’m getting happy again. I am learning to live without him. Not saying I LIKE it. But I’m learning.

The bright me. I had a man take me out for supper one night and I noticed he had stopped eating. He was just looking at me. “You are such a beautiful woman.” And he was smiling. He meant it. I could tell. And it made me glow inside. Too bad we are no longer together. He really made me laugh.

The smiling me. My customers make me smile all day. Some even make me laugh out loud when they call in. I am getting better. They notice it.

The laughing me. My friends make me laugh. They do a pretty good job of it.

The gone me. The gone me left with Nick. I cannot get her back. But I am liking the new me. The one I never thought I would find. Grief does subside into a more manageable form.  It will get better. Something I never thought I would get.

Today marks 2 years.

2 years Nick. I miss you still. I love you still. I always will.

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So last night wasn’t good…..

Ken’s leaving me hit. So soon after Scott. Really bad timing Ken. I was so content and on an even keel for a change. Smiling and laughing and enjoying life again. I had to cancel my plans last night to get home because my stuff was on the front step and it was raining.

Nice.

Last night, I was chatting with Michael. He was pissing me off like he usually does. The conversation started earlier in the day when he was telling me some things he was doing that he KNEW would frustrate me. So I said OK and went quiet on him. “?” he typed. I stayed silent. All day and long into the night.

Finally he said to me “Okay, something happened”

I asked him a few pointed questions about the things he was saying that were frustrating me.

I told him I wasn’t with him so he needed to tell me what happened.

‘No, you tell me. Something happened with you or at least I get that feeling.

It was a long conversation about he ‘knew’ something happened with me because he got this feeling.  Tell me again how the two of us are not ‘in tune’ with each other. One of two men besides Nick that ever made me feel ‘alive’.  Really alive and happy. One I found after Nick passed and I’m sorry he is no longer in my life either.

His choice.

Michael (he hates that BTW, prefers Mike but I LOVE how Michael rolls off my tongue.) and I have had this connection since I met him over 20 years ago. Like I knew him ‘before’. We have always been able to talk and laugh. Fun conversations. Interesting make ya think kinds of talks.

But nothing ever gets resolved between us other than he won’t be with me because ‘You are not that kind of woman. You want more than I can give.’ (and knowing him it is because he doesn’t want to hurt me by things not working out with us. so better to not then.)

Ya, I get that. I also know I need to explode. TMI?  Tough. Whatever.

Anyway.

Moving on.

Scott’s death hasn’t hit yet. Like I said yesterday, it won’t until a few weeks have passed. Or we do a big family gathering. Which I may or may not go to. Sister (the one in the lt blue top) has done some things over the last few years that have made me not want to spend ANY time with her. City Bitch Syndrome. I won’t deal with it. She may have lost her sister along with her brother.

Her choice.

Another whatever.

I have 94 followers now. I think that is cool.

I do, however, wish y’all would say hello! or like my post if it moves you. Have an excellent weekend!

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Loss…..

I mentioned some of the people I have lost over the last few years.

I’ve lost 3 in the last 2 weeks.

Mike………….did the permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Scott………….Cancer, diabetes, and a heart attack. Way to go out with a bang bro! Wish this shit would hit me so I could grieve.

Ken………..called me last night and said he’s going his own way. Out of the blue. No real reason why other than ‘I don’t want to keep stringing you along.’

What

the

hell?

He gave up on a good woman, that’s all I am saying.kitty-ear-boo.jpg

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My brother….

I do not think the death of my brother has really hit me yet. He had been a loner for a long time, only now coming back into the fold of my wonderful family. So going long periods of time without seeing him was the norm.

During the funeral , it about killed me to watch my dad kiss the urn before he put it in the grave. He has broken down several times. My mom? Not so much. I worry.

So now? How long will it be before it suddenly hits me he is gone?

Too many deaths for me to process lately.

Stop the world I want off.scott-pinched-me.jpg
I think he pinched me!

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There have been too many lately…..

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My brother.

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Nick, the love of my life.

My friends Paul, Mike, crazy Elsie, my beloved Aunts, G’ma Grape, Ruby, and I’ve already lost track of all the names……

Things become a blur when so many die in such a short time span.

its okay
I have told y’all before I GET why people commit suicide. Sometimes the pain of loss, whatever that loss may be, gets to be more than one can handle. I’ve been there. I’ve been where the pain makes you unable to breathe or function. More than once. But I have 10 grandchildren that help keep me grounded. They keep me focused because they are such an awesome bunch of young people that I want to see grow to adulthood. I want to see what they become.

So y’all are stuck with me. Hope that’s ok.

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Can someone stop the world for a bit…?

so many hearts
I’m just tired of funerals. And people being shits. The coroner asked us to look through things to try and pinpoint a “Window” for Scott’s time of death. I went through the glucose meter and his phone.

Suffice it to say there are people I won’t be speaking with anymore. I find it sad how backstabbing some people can be.

Whatever.

My trip to London is being diverted. I’ll hop a flight to Edinburgh soon after I land in Gatwick. Hoping to surprise Italian children with a few days, too. I probably should start packing a few things now. Before I forget what I want to take with. I should get some gifts for my new ‘grandchildren’ too. They are all excited I’m coming to visit…..That is so nice…..

I have no idea why things changed but I’m done running that course. If I am not good enough for you, then expand your mind. I embrace almost everyone. I help everyone I can. I am always there for you, whomever you are. And if I am not? There is a pretty damn good reason why. No one is ever too much work if you are truly friends. This applies to everyone I know. I LIKE being happy and smiling and laughing and having a good time. If YOU are not happy with me? That’s on you.

Ken and I continue to laugh and have a great time together. He’s just as goofy as I am. I like that. We have some STRANGE conversations and also can just sit in silence together.

I’m even winning at pool more often!!  I’ve been watching him and learning a few tricks. Out of probably 483 games, I think I’ve won 7 on my own. Add 3 or 4 more where he scratched on the 8 ball…….then I’ve won 10 or 11 out of 526 games.

LOL I have no idea how many we have played. We just enjoy it.

It’s hard to sit and cuddle on the couch till my chest heals so the movies have gone on hiatus. But I have the National Lampoon’s ‘Vacation’ series coming in to my local library as well as Spaceballs and High Anxiety. These could be fun.

I am off on Thurs, Friday and Monday again for bereavement leave. I’ll catch up with y’all then. See you ‘morrow!!

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What I did on my vacation…..

Tuesday evening I went to Ken’s and that is where I stayed for most of my time off. Just mellowing out.

Wednesday morning……I can’t even tell you what we did besides just stayed on vacation doing little and spending time together.

Wednesday afternoon I rec’d a FB message from my nephew in AZ. “Have you talked to Dad lately? I haven’t heard from him in 4 days.” I told him no, that his father was mad at me for some reason. I still have NO idea other than he had full fledged diabetes, needed to test daily  and take insulin. I don’t. “How do YOU rate????” Well, I take better care of myself, apparently. He was pissed about that.

After going back and forth for a bit, he finally sent a friend to the house that lived just down the road from my brother. She knocked on the door, he didn’t answer, she peeked in the window and saw him laying on the floor.

Well, when I heard that I KNEW something was wrong. There is NO way Scott would have been on the floor because he wouldn’t have gotten up by himself. I told him he needed to have her pound on the door or something. He told me if it would make me feel better, I could run over, but Patty was checking on him. Not a minute later I got “She called 911.”

Less than 20 minutes later, Nephew calls me. Just bawling.

“Dad’s dead.”

Stunned silence.

I don’t remember the rest of the conversation but I do remember telling him NOT to call my folks. I would go up there and tell them in person. This was NOT something they needed to hear over the phone. I also called my other brother and told him not to, also. I was going up to tell them in person. He agreed.

scott

Between the cancer, the diabetes, being overweight, not finishing his chemo which can kill you on it’s own….his body couldn’t take it. He died of a heart attack on his living room floor.

Ken drove me to my parent’s home. I think Mom knew immediately. Dad needed me to say it. Dad lost it which I knew he would. Mom….I’m not sure about her yet. I think the funeral this Thursday might take her down. She needs to let it out. But she will in her own way. I think she’s handling it better than Dad.

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It’s been a whirlwind of stuff to do because he did not have a will (dammit! don’t do this to YOUR relatives. GET ONE DONE!!)

Rest in peace bro. God knows you didn’t seem to have it here.

Friday night, Lennox and I hung out at Ken’s. We had pizza “IN TOWN MOMMY!!”. We took him back to Ken’s and he watched Brave. I love that movie! 9pm came so I took him home. He was busy at Ken’s but not long after we got home, he cuddled up to my side and zoned out.

My chest is healing enough that I could actually pick him up and take him into my bed. He snuggled with me all night. It was nice.

Sunday was the 19th annual Mustang Run. I’m not sure how many were there this year but we have had up to 165 Mustangs from 1965-2018 most years.

We all gather at the Ford Dealership, the police stop traffic to let us all out and we cruise the back roads for about 60 minutes or so before meeting at a local place (with a back room big enough for about 200 people). A catered lunch, door prizes and some Mustang stories later, we are all on our way home.

mustang run 2018
This is my baby. She is usually the oldest car there. I was sposed to be #4 in line but she decided to act up. Open the hood, wiggle the battery cables and she fired right up again. Guess I’ll have to clean them tonight.

They pull tickets for the door prizes. But in the middle of all that, I heard the lady in charge, JoAn say “There is a friend here who lost her brother a couple weeks ago. Then she fell and broke her sternum. So she deserves a door prize.”

She’s a stinker and I do so enjoy her!

To top all this chaos off, somehow my AirBnB account got reactivated. And I have a guy staying in the student’s room from now till July 25th! He’s easy to talk to and I think he’ll be OK. I told him this week would be chaotic. He’s OK with it. The room is big enough that it doesn’t seem confining to stay in it all night. I told him he is welcome to come on downstairs and watch TV or whatever. ‘It’s ok Ma’am. I have so much paperwork to do………….” Ma’am. Hmmmm respectful or am I old? *sigh*

He’s working at the military base about  30 miles away and will be looking for a house in the town near it. I wish him luck. It’s a beautiful area….

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This was a good but busy weekend…..

The Mustang Run was yesterday. Grandson went on it with me again. I hope this continues as a tradition for us.

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

My oldest grandson turned 16 in June. He got his license on 7/7. So for his birthday present, he got to drive Papa’s truck with Papa. Omg the kid was over the moon smiling! He was so happy he didn’t kill the truck trying to drive this manual transmission. He is used to automatics.

Cullan Papa Truck up close

Yeah….he’s a lot taller than Papa. And bigger. And he loves his Papa to pieces.

Cullan Papa Truck walking back

He decided he wanted to go on the 16th annual Mustang Run this year. “Do I get to drive the Mustang Gramma?” We’ll see, luv. We’ll see.”

JoAnn (coordinator) always does a little speech about people who are on the run for more than a few years. We get to know each other…….

Anyway…..She started this story “There are a couple people here, who, after COURTING for 20 years, decided to finally marry. (She also knows the cancer part but didn’t…

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As I sit here and ponder Michael….

dont wait until you've lost them.jpg

The last time I drove through the town and past the gas station where I last ran into Mike, I thought, you know? I should get his phone #.

I never did.

You would think, me, of all people, would remember to get contact info to stay in touch.

I need reminders I guess……….

Michael…….know you were loved by many, appreciated by me, and you will be missed by more.

RIP hon.

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Just a few highlights of our trip…

I am on vacation till Monday July 9th so this is a bit early. Have a safe and happy July 4th holiday!!!

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Just thought I’d touch on a few highlights.

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Sunset at Grand Marias, MN

Nick at Grand Marias on the way up to
A little reflecting, a little praying, and a little solitude at Grand Marias.

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Stopped at a random resort so we could get close to Lake Superior. Ain’t he handsome!?

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Ain’t this bootiful?

paddle boating
Paddle boating on Sturgeon Lake.

There’s a waterfall around that point to the left…..we didn’t find it..

I got to see a black bear !!

And…..

moose in lake
…..See that little brown spot in the middle right in the lake?

It’s a Moose.

I got video.

If I could get YouTube to work, I’d post it. ‘My first moose sighting’ if anyone wants to go look for it.

Sue and Nick at Madeline Island
Heading over to Madeline Island in the Apostle Island group in Lake Superior. So pretty. And we got an great photo of the two of us!!

Sue picking stones at Madeline Island
I…

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