Let’s see how this goes……

I’m going to try Jim’s Five for Friday thang…….

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Who am I kidding???

1 – It’s another Football filled weekend. One game tonight in town, another early tomorrow morning in town, a third one later morning 30 minutes away and a 4th one an hour away and that one is homecoming. One would think I got footballed out. Nope.

2 – I hate my phone. It’s a Samsung S7 and it’s HALF the man phone my S5 was. I miss my S5. This POS $615 S7 isn’t worth the time it took for me to type S7.

3 – I used to do a Tuesday 10 on another site. I enjoyed that. But I won’t do it there anymore. That place barely gets my thought, let alone spending much time on it now……Too much drama and so many blogs were written just to bash other bloggers. Grow the hell up.

4 – I think I need to drink this weekend. Preparing for next weekend in the cities for a wedding. LOL ! It’s been awhile!!


5 – ok, final thought…*wracks brain*………..um……….Yesterday the day won. I was down 1.6#’s but yesterday………..was not a good day. This mental thing is difficult. And I made the mistake of buying some Ghirardelli Milk Chocolate/Caramel squares. Ooops…..I think if I could talk to certain people on a more regular basis it would help. But like the line from Fatal Attraction I watched on Movie Night at Dan’s house Wednesday night……..”I will not be IGNORED…………..” So things may come to a head today in a few situations.

Ok, like Jim, be creative  as you burst through my front door to say hello. Coffee pot is straight ahead, milk is in the fridge. Later!!

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Omg omg omg!!!


I took a friend’s advice and bought two books.

This guy who so humbly says so little about his books

Oh I respect that.gif

Yes, those two books.

I sent them to him for his John Hancock.

And I got this back with the books.

My Royal 'raffe

Mike? You are awesome and talented and funny and …..well ….let’s not forget the kid and the weird hats OK? or waffles…..

I LOVE ‘raffes. I ADORE ‘raffes. I think I may have told him that somewhere along the line over the past couple of years 17 months we have been connected.

I can’t thank him enough for this!!! It’s going on the wall of honor at home.

Just as soon as I make one.

If I make one.

OK, I’ll make one.

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Update on my friend…

I told y’all about my friend from a year ago. For a couple months after this conversation and another one where he told me his sponsor was now his girlfriend (raises left eyebrow), several texts….I finally sent him a letter. Stating that he had failed and that he needed to remove my contact information from his phone, his address book and his life. I was done.

I have not heard from him in almost a year. It makes me sad and I miss him like my left arm. But it was his choice not mine. He knew the consequences. I have also found out his twin daughters do not talk to him anymore either.

I hope that bottle keeps him warm at night.

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

various type of alcoholic drinks isolated on white

So I had been waiting all day yesterday, worried about getting a phone call from J. (See? I have lettered men, too Jad!!) I really doubted he would even ATTEMPT to contact the hospital and talk to his doc about his drinking.

I got a phone call at 7:26pm.

“I called. They will call me if they have a cancellation otherwise I go in on Wednesday.”

“Go in for what J?”

“For my knee.”

“For what J?”

“My knee.”


“And for that other thing.”

“What other thing J?”

“You know.”

(silence from me)





(More silence from me)

“My drinking.”

I about cried.

He admitted it to me.


It’s a start.

J has two stunningly beautiful daughters. He doesn’t want to lose them.

Or me.

Up to him now.

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Caro Dio, seconda parte….

Hey God. It’s me. Boo. Just checkin’ in. I know it’s been a while. I’m not churchin’ it like I was. Maybe because I’m getting more content…Maybe I am more comfortable in my single skin than I was.

But I’m still mindful of You. I know You are still watching over me.

I went months without losing it over Nick. When I did? It was explosive. But I’m good now. Hopefully it will be months before it happens again. It used to be daily, then weekly. I guess I am healing.

My family is growing again. But then You knew that. Daughter is expecting in January. That makes her and her 3 children all having birthdays in January. Her husband’s? Is in December. Can we get a little girl this time, God? I have 6 G’sons. 4 G’daughters. Time to even it out a bit….?

be with those that bring out the best in  you.jpg

Having a ‘movie night’ with a man 14 years younger than I. Supper at the Mexican place first, then on to his house…..He is an absolute delight and we get along really well. But he is a dear dear friend and I do not want to ever lose that. He is far too important to me. He brings out the fun in me. I sent him a message yesterday…..”Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly…?” He laughed. Thank You for putting him in my life. I do appreciate him.

I know you don’t approve of the possibility of my new guy. But You are the one that made the situation as it is…So resolve it. OK? Only You can do that.

Why can I not grieve over my brother? What’s up with that? That turned into a mess with his ex g/f stealing things. Stuff is missing and she refuses to return our calls. Those antique dressers are coming to MY house. They were MY great grandparents. Not hers.

OK, I have to stop now. It’s upsetting me what she has done. One day it will get resolved.

Keep watching over me, OK? I’m not as mad at You as I was.

Love ya,




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It’s a melancholy day….

We had a beautiful 2 days and now it is raining.

Tonight my new dishwasher is getting installed.

Plans to watch Fatal Attraction on Wednesday with my friend Dan.

Thursday is a board meeting.

Friday is FOOTBALL!!

Caiden football.jpg

Saturday is FOOTBALL!!

#69 is grandson

The helmut that rolls? Is his………aaaaaaaaaaaaahahhaha. They get a one play penalty for the helmet coming off. For some reason they fly alot. So the other team is facemasking and ripping them off. Thought that was a no no.

I’m proud of my g’sons playing. 4 so far! Makes me wish I had more sons! Ok, maybe not.

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No vanilla kisses here!!

forbidden temptations.jpg  < — Is this better, Jim?


I smiled all weekend.

I met up with my new potential and we had a very nice 15 minutes. As I was leaving, he kissed me so thoroughly, my toes curled. It was difficult to put my shoes on yet this morning………ya! I know!  I haven’t been kissed like that since before Nick got sick. Once he got ill, that aspect of our lives was the first thing to go. I tingled deliciously all over………..wow. TMI? deal with it.

And I really missed being kissed like that. I’ve been kissed by other men since he passed…but none like this guy. OMG………it’s all I could think about all weekend… I haven’t felt like that in 4 years….smiling and grinning like a fool. That man can kiss. To modify a phrase from Jad …“NO Vanilla”…He was all Confetti with balloons and streamers, flashing lights and smiles.



Ok then…………….

Where was I?

Oh, ya….on to the rest of the weekend….

Friday night, I decided to not go to the football game. Now I wish I would have pushed through the way I felt and gone. Caiden made a touchdown catch!!! Right on the goal line!  They won 42-0. WTG boys! Saturday morning is 2 football games now. One in their hometown, and one 30 minutes north. I didn’t make any of them this weekend. But NEXT weekend. I may be footballed out….!

Plus the one for the college student. They played up in Northern MN this past Sat. Lost again but the score was MUCH closer. 27-31. So they are coming together. He got caught with a cleat on his right hand. That can’t be good. He needed stitches….He’ll be ok.

I stayed home Saturday and finished a baby blanket. (I’ll post photos tomorrow), and watched 3 Star Trek movies over the weekend. The current ones from 2009 Star Trek, 2013 Star Trek Into Darkness, and 2016 Star Trek Beyond. Pretty good movies but I think the sets were way too elaborate for your mind’s eye to transition into Star Trek with James T. Kirk and the 1960’s set for us ‘old Trekkies’….

Sunday….I didn’t get up very early…awakened thinking about that toe curl…..

Finished up the Star Trek movies and the grey baby blanket. Now I need to get to the Pickle Patch so I can hopefully sell them.

grey pink black blanket

Jegs is faithfully taking his meds like a trooper and is a MUCH perkier dog. Back to his bouncy self.

I didn’t sleep well over the weekend. Wrestling with the question of how to tell my daughter and son in law it’s time for them to find a place. She must be pretty hormonal to be so nasty to me. I’m trying to keep some peace and quiet and I’m being told ‘thanks for taking that lesson away.’ Well how is cleaning your plate off in the garbage like I don’t want y’all to do a good thing to teach but being respectful of my watching a movie a good time for them to be as loud as possible in front of me not letting those kids be kids and having fun playing?

I don’t want our relationship to deteriorate anymore so they need to find their own place now.

So between that and my Friday late afternoon…….my mind kept racing…..

I’ll be taking my Melatonin at 7pm tonight………………..


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It was bound to happen…..

horrible idea what time
Last night is the first time in MONTHS I’ve lost it thinking of Nick.

People are right. Eventually you think of your lost loved one and smile. Which is what I have been doing for a bit now. But for some reason last night, after I got off the phone at 1:15am with my friend in GA…..ugh….by 1:30am I’m gasping for air and crying like I haven’t for a while.

Why? I haven’t a clue.

All that filled my mind’s eye was his shoulders and arms, the muscles taut, his back under my hands, his face looking at me with such love.

And I couldn’t breathe.

I’ve actually been expecting it for a while. I’m rather amazed it’s taken so long to feel like that. I’m glad it’s been awhile. It’s debilitating when it happens. My chest is sore today. I’m sure that broken sternum didn’t help.

It’s healed…for the most part. Till my 16lb cat decides he wants to cuddle….ow.

I’m ok today. A friend came in , one I hadn’t seen in awhile….he said to me “I didn’t know you had lost your husband.” I said “Ya, 2 years ago in July.” and I was OK. I didn’t well up, or lose my breath…..

So maybe I’m getting there huh?



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This just made me snort coffee……


And-now for something completely different.jpg

I’ve been going back through my blog and reading the corresponding entries from each day. Yesterday I went back to Sept of 2016 and 2017.

Man …… I was messed UP! Wow….I hardly recognize myself!

I was so desperate for ‘normal’ adult interaction after 2 plus years of hospitals and doctors and nurses and and and…………..that I probably did things I normally wouldn’t. But how else does one know and learn………….?

There is not much I regret from those days of learning to live without the love of my life. I’m just very sad that I lost the love of my life.

…and that happening just set me adrift for so long……

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We are to have a family rebellion in the Seattle area next July. A joyous occasion I usually look forward to with unbridled happiness, anticipation, and smiles.

But since the death of my brother…..? no.

In fact? I don’t think I am even going this year. My contact with my family will be curbed down to almost nothing. I’m hurt, confused, angry and bewildered as to why my sister is such an ass. I know I know……family is the ones that hurt the most. But why would she undermine my familial relationships??? What does she hope to gain?

I was FINALLY at a place with my brother where we were having fun. When all of a sudden he started pulling away again. I was baffled as to why.

After he died, I became UNbaffled.

The Coroner asked us to go through things and try to figure out what time during that day he was still active.

I found his phone. Plugged it in to charge it………..and my world fell apart.

I found out just HOW much of a bitch my sister is.

I’ve barely spoken to her since the funeral.  Since the embarrassing hug between her and my son.

Things she has done to my and MY family I wouldn’t even THINK of doing to her and her family. In fact I’ve been there for her? and she has NEVER been there for me.

So I no longer have a sister.

Toodles bitch.

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