It was bound to happen…..

horrible idea what time
Last night is the first time in MONTHS I’ve lost it thinking of Nick.

People are right. Eventually you think of your lost loved one and smile. Which is what I have been doing for a bit now. But for some reason last night, after I got off the phone at 1:15am with my friend in GA…..ugh….by 1:30am I’m gasping for air and crying like I haven’t for a while.

Why? I haven’t a clue.

All that filled my mind’s eye was his shoulders and arms, the muscles taut, his back under my hands, his face looking at me with such love.

And I couldn’t breathe.

I’ve actually been expecting it for a while. I’m rather amazed it’s taken so long to feel like that. I’m glad it’s been awhile. It’s debilitating when it happens. My chest is sore today. I’m sure that broken sternum didn’t help.

It’s healed…for the most part. Till my 16lb cat decides he wants to cuddle….ow.

I’m ok today. A friend came in , one I hadn’t seen in awhile….he said to me “I didn’t know you had lost your husband.” I said “Ya, 2 years ago in July.” and I was OK. I didn’t well up, or lose my breath…..

So maybe I’m getting there huh?

nick-and-old-west-up-close1.jpeg

 

Posted in Me

11 thoughts on “It was bound to happen…..

    1. Bearable? At first I didn’t have any choice. But now I feel I do. I can choose to be happy again. I’ll never have that lightning bolt between the eyes like I had with Nick but I CAN be happy again….at least I’m trying now.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. So sorry that you are feeling this way. I am more than 4 years down the line and I still have meltdowns like this for no apparent reason. Grief will go at its own pace, it’s different for everybody and you just have to go along with it. I found that things became a little easier when I just accepted that there would be times when I’d feel like crap and stopped fighting it. Sending virtual hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OH, I know…sometimes the day wins. Sometimes I have to let the day win. I just start over the next morning…

      And I hear this is for the rest of my life. My friend Joan lost her husband over 20 years ago and still has days like that…..

      Liked by 1 person

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