Why…………………..?

Why is it some days I can think about him and I’m just fine. In fact most days I do OK now. I make it through the day, I don’t leak, I can talk about him with someone who asks, and I’m fine. I breathe, I talk and I do OK.

I'm fine
This morning, I’m driving into town and I look at his photo I have at the top left corner of my windshield. It’s tucked in the molding and it cannot fly away when I open the door of my car.
sue-and-nick-in-car-laughing-photo.jpeg
I looked at this photo. And suddenly, all I can see is us in the doctor’s office hearing the news, looking at each other, holding hands like we are holding on to each other for dear life, the chemo treatments, the radiation treatments, holding him on the sofa, me sitting in my living room, looking at the big window, with him in the bed………….the funeral.
last one.jpg
…….and later after that bed was torn down and taken back to the hospice care unit. Me, standing in that spot screaming because the images would not leave my head. Just as they are doing today. I couldn’t breathe, the tears started to flow, the pain in my heart made it want to burst…………

Nicks headstone

At least today I am not screaming.

Must be an improvement.

Posted in Me

12 thoughts on “Why…………………..?

  1. I agree with what Rivergirl said. And though I have never lost a husband, I have lost people who were very close to me. I’ve told you before that my mom died when I was 10 years old. Would you believe I STILL to this day have moments of grief and pain over losing her? Not often, but every now and then. I don’t know that it ever goes away completely Boo, but like your friend said, ride the wave… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a mom. I have mine yet. I’ve known her almost 60 years. You got 10 and I can feel your pain. The thought of losing either of my parents just drops me to my knees.

      The waves are getting a bit smaller now. Being overtired with back pain tends to make it worse……

      Hugs youxoxooxoxooxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It is just like that. You think you’re over it and when you’re complacent it comes and hit you like a tonne of bricks. I feel it some days. Not death just my divorce.

    Liked by 1 person

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