I didn’t sleep much last night….

….I haven’t since I switched beds. I sleep BETTER on this mattress. Just not as long a stretch. I spose it will take a bit of time to get used to it. I’ve had that king size for over 15 years. Probably longer. Nick and I bought it together.  One of the reasons I wanted it upstairs instead of in my room. I may end up regretting that decision but ……

So last night I got the plants out, revamped them, cleaned them up, arranged them…moved a couple radios so I have a ‘table’ by the head of the bed for my phone (AKA alarm)

….then this morning went. Nope. Don’t like it…it need more. I’ll be moving things to and from different rooms and yes, I will get photos.

Just one more way of dealing with things…………….

Had a conversation with Gary last night. He wants to stay friends. And right now I see it more as an invasion with the questions he was asking and things he was saying. So he got one word answers and no photos. We’ll see how it continues……..

*sigh*

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So I’ve been busy…..

This photo is my bedroom after my friend Holly redid it. I love it. I still do. But I need to get my AirBnB going again so I decided to move this bed upstairs. That damn mattress is like 300lbs. But it’s comfy and I do like it.bedroom NEW reading light
After we moved that bed upstairs, I brought this one down from my student’s room. I have way more room in there, I don’t stub my toes and I really like it so far. I have a bunch more I want to do. I have plants to move and re-pot for in here. Furniture to move and rearrange…you know the drill.BEDROOM NOW
This is where the brass bed lived before. This room will be revamped when my room is done. The purple wall has already been painted by Earn. I like it and will keep going on it. I think all the woodwork trim will be painted white. Cover up all the spills previous owner didn’t clean up. brass bed clear

This was the front balcony room in progress from storage to a bedroom. I liked that wrought iron bed in there but I needed something bigger. This is the room Gary and I painted. I also had that gawd awful light removed and a ceiling fan put in.
iron bed moved

This is that same corner now. I LOVE the paint. I love having that bed in there. This room is SO comfy! All I have left is to find the perfect chair to put in there (where I am standing taking the photo) and the room will be complete.BEDROOM FRONT ROOM NOW I added a bookshelf with books. Oh, I need to move another lamp in to for the reading corner. I’ll get a photo of that when it’s all done.  Oh, and my son is replacing the balcony door too. I want one with a window to let in more light. It only has one window……Resized_20200102_194446_8254

Now my problem is, I will get my house JUST as I want it and won’t want to move back closer to my kids.

So…what do you think??

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Death…………..and taxes….

I miss Nick every day that goes by. His laughter, the look he would give me, the intense gaze.  Snuggling up because our bodies fit together so well.

grief-never-goes-away

I may have done this though…….I’m trying to refocus….Screenshot_20200220-220506_Chrome
The level of frustration at LIFE is immense. Not only is the person you loved beyond life gone……..But remembering that every day is tiresome, frustrating, angering. I want to just stomp my foot and demand he come back.

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It’s always there.

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In your face.

Waving in front of your eyes like a red cape, making it difficult to see anything else.

I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m tired of talking about but if I don’t? I feel like I’ll explode in anger and grief. Still.

3 choices to handle something
I’m trying to let this strengthen me. Friends tell me that it is working.

I have my doubts.

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So where do I go from here?

I don’t have my Nick and never will again.  I get that. Every day. No escaping that.

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I don’t have Gary and I am OK with that decision. After a year? I should have been in love with him IF it was going to happen. And it didn’t so time to move on and let him find someone who can. I think I helped him heal and made it so he COULD move on.

I made the mistake of signing up for the online dating. Bunch of stupids out there. Your main photo? Is an abandoned building, some blurry guy with a 3 foot unkempt beard, a dog, a sunset, a little girl(FREAK!), a car parked outside some kind of building, Bruce Springsteen? CHARLES MANSON????? And what the HELL is it with y’all that you need to hold up a fish or a dead deer?? WTF??

I love the guys that come in and start talking to you…..then go quiet. You have a perfectly wonderful conversation, laughing and having a good time …………. then silence.

I’m done.

 

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So I talked to the Vet this morning…

Jegs owieDOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER 004Jegs in my car 101115
He does want to look. He’s hoping it’s just an infection (Highly doubtful) but wants to take a biopsy of it to see. He agrees no invasive surgery. Jegs is 11 years old. So all please keep your fingers crossed it’s something simple…….

Last night I wiped out on my cement steps. My right wrist hurts and it’s in a brace for now. MY doing. I didn’t go in. No. I didn’t and I won’t. It’s just bruised.

Anyway…..so Jegs was outside with me when I fell. IMMEDIATELY is hugging me whining “Are you ok Mom???” and tried to crawl on top of me to keep me warm. He’s done that before…about 9 years ago when I fell on a huge patch of ice I was carefully tip toeing across.

Just makes this lump thing even worse for me. That dog loves me to no end. Amazing.

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