It’s that time of year…..

And I’m going back through my blog. Probably not a good thing huh?

I can feel all the emotions, the pain, the frustration, the fear just flooding back to me. And yet, this year? It’s different. I’m seeing it through the eyes of someone in a good relationship again and I am knowing I’ll be OK this time.

October 21, 2016: Nick managed to walk out to the car on his own. Which was amazing considering how poorly he slept – sitting upright (which was basically not at all).

It’s so hard not to drive like a maniac when your man is sitting next to you, groaning and gasping in pain. You have to drive carefully as every bump and lane change makes him cry out. I called ahead to the ER to make sure someone would be there to help me get him out of the car…..”yup, someone will be around.”

No one was around.

I had to go search for someone. I was in tears already…that didn’t help.

They put Nick in one of the ER rooms and a doctor came in. Forgive me but I forget his name. He put us at ease immediately, got Nick on some pain meds and then the talking began…. What happened, how are you, are the pain meds kicking in…..and suddenly in walks Nick’s wonderful surgeon, Dr. Joe.

“Are you trying to steal my patient??” and back and forth they went with the good natured banter. It was nice to smile after 12 hours of panic.

Dr. Joe looked at Nick and said “I wanted to run a camera down into your stomach to look for that old blood in 6 weeks. How ’bout if we put you in the hospital, run the camera down now, and we can monitor this pain for 24 hours?”

Nick agreed almost before Dr. Joe stopped talking.

By 3pm the procedure was done, he was headed back to his room, and the camera doc had already told me he had found a tumor near where the stomach empties into the small intestine, it was most likely cancer, and that it had been there a while.

I do wish that doc had had a bit more tact. It was like it was a race for him to tell me it was cancer before the biopsy results even came back. He just had this attitude that he had to be first. No compassion , no I’m sorry to tell you, no hand on my arm to comfort me.

So when Nick got back to his room…..He asked. I told him. And we sat there stunned for a long time………………………..

For anyone who has gone through this kind of thing, y’all know the chest tightening fear I’m talking about. The stunned helplessness you feel knowing there is nothing YOU can do to help but just be there.

My sister’s FIL was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor. He was gone in 6 weeks. My friend Jon was diagnosed with stomach cancer and gone in 3 weeks. I had 21 months to process this and I still wasn’t ready even as I watched him deteriorate every day.

I am grateful to have Jim in my life now. I know Nick sent him. He says too many things that Nick did that are INYOURFACE hints that Nick approves. I know a lot of you don’t believe in that but you know how he has visited me, and now with Jim? He wants me only to be happy.

And I am again.

Posted in Me

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