Making an effort…..

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….to be more happy and outgoing and get back to my REAL self.

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WISH ME LUCK!!!!

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Glee . . . a favorite show….

you dont know this new me i put my parts back together differently

…..after every meltdown, I put myself together different. Hopefully stronger.

and she said I cant take this anymore

Last night, we watched the episode of Glee called ‘The Quarterback’ where they pay tribute to Finn Hudson. He was played by Corey Monteith.

I don’t know if this will come thru or not.  https://youtu.be/TlWHTfrGhoY

….I watch this episode and I lose it.  Especially when Santana sings “If I die young…” because if you watch it? Then you know how I feel, at the end where they try to comfort her in the choir room. I sat there last night just trying to breathe, tears rolling.

Today? I’m better since speaking with a friend. Please do not suggest chemical intervention. I will not take pills. I find talk therapy works better for me.

Please let me know if the YouTube video worked for you.

Thank you.

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Maybe I do….

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…if only to protect myself and prevent further heartache and pain. My friends that I thought would be supportive, don’t want to hear I’m still struggling over holidays with my loss.

I don’t want to be. It’s not like I choose to be angry and upset and leaking.

And just like that, the holidays are over and I’m OK again.

My standard line. “I’ll be OK. I always am.”

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Red sky in the morning…

Tuesday sky
…..sailors take warning.

This was my drive in this morning. Most of you know I live in Wisconsin. It’s January. Can you tell me what is missing from this photo?

My phone app says it’s 43* and feels like 37*. Positively balmy. By Friday we are back into the single digits. Yay.

I was pretty sad yesterday with the loss of Bill. But today I am doing OK. I know he was ready to go. He missed his wife. And he was tired. I get that. I am just going to miss the way his face lit up when I walked into his room. I just can’t be selfish about it. He deserved a well earned rest.

My #2 exchange student, Corvin, has been in contact with me. Fairly regularly. I’m rather surprised. Happily surprised. His tone is way different. More mature and sincere. I’m actually looking forward to seeing him.

I get to go home again tonight with no MUST stop stops. I am going to a friends house to give him some items for his kitchen, then home with NOTHING really to do!!

wooooooooooooooooooot!!

 

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This is me today…..

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Have any of you seen this movie? Boss Baby. Alec Baldwin does the voice and it’s hilarious.

Bill. Is gone. I will miss that big smile of his. But it was time. He was 96 and winding down. He really didn’t have any medical issues that I knew of other that a bit of trouble swallowing water. I went up Saturday morning to see him. I got there about 11:30am and spent a half an hour with him. The first 10 minutes I got to have alone with him. I talked to him like I always did. I told him I love him. I asked him to hug Nick when he got there. I only spent about 20 more minutes talking with his brother. It was too hard. Less than 24 hours later he was gone. I guess I’d like to hold on to the idea he waited for me to come say good bye. It’s comforting to me.

My #6 grandson had his birthday party on Saturday. So I drove 6 hours total. Used a whole freakin’ tank of gas and when you fill an Edge? It’s spendy.

I had a strange dream that included a friend of mine. One I’ve wanted to date for a long time. Part of the dream was him sitting in the 3rd row seat of a mini van flirting with a barely legal daughter.

Ugh.

My subconscious comes up with some WEIRD ASS SHIT.

It’s time to get seriously busy on the preface for my book. Ok Mike??

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The world lost…..

Bill.jpg

….a pretty wonderful man at 10:30, Sunday, Jan 7th.

R.I.P. Bill and hug my Nick for me when you get there.

Bill was my WWII Veteran that I took care of when he went to Washington D.C. on the Freedom Honor Flight. He was 93 at that time. He was 96 years young today when he passed from this world to the next.

I will miss him more than words can say. I loved that man. He was such a bright light in my life.

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I know how you feel….

…….really? When did your spouse die?

Grief is the last act of love

um….they haven’t. But my (parent) did.

OK, it’s not the same.

I have lost 2 of my beloved aunts. I can feel just HORRID because I LOVED those two women, pillars of our family, as MUCH as I loved my grandmother. I cannot even put into words the love we all have for our parents/uncles/aunts/cousins on my dad’s side. It amazes me.

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I sat in Auntie’s house on that couch you see, feeling her and feeling her loss so keenly I couldn’t breathe. I kept expecting her to say “Hello Susan.” I looked for her all over that apartment.

I can sympathize with my cousins. But I CANNOT and WILL not know how they feel until I lose my mother. You do not love your Mom/Dad as you love your Husband/Wife.

Just as they can’t understand MY pain at losing a spouse until their husband/wife dies. Only this auntie’s daughter gets it. She lost her first husband to brain cancer.

We are a small club with only two members in this family. I hope NO more members join for many years.

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