all the firsts are done…..

…..so where do I go from here? screen porch Mustang Run evening

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It was a long ass weekend…..

Family reunion.

Family bullshit.

But always good to see the sister cousins and brother cousins.

No photos.

No desire to write today.

I’m just blank.

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Our last photo together

Last photo

One year ago, July 27, 2016. His best friend, Joe, is holding me up. Or was I holding him up? Or maybe it was mutual. I don’t recall.  I just know we were both hurting, pretty bad.

I will be forever grateful to my friend Tom for taking photos of the funeral. That day is pretty blurry for me. To have these photos brings it back so I remember. I don’t want to ever forget.

I miss him so.

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The day before….

I think this was the day I met with the pastor about the service. Everything is such a blurrrrrr….

Then I get to work today and realize I’m wearing the same top I wore to the funeral a year ago today (Wednesday) but the date was July 27th.

I read back through some emails to remind me what I did. I guess I wasn’t on the computer.

I do remember sitting on the futon a lot, looking out that window. Just staring….at nothing but my lawn. For hours.

side lawn

Like my life would be for months. Nothing. Nothing but existing. Not living.

all is well.jpg

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lillies opened more 1

These lilies are blooming right now and smell AMAZING. The plant is like 6′ tall and has SO many blooms on it again. I sat out on my front platform just smelling it last night.

It was a beautiful, warm, calm night with just a slight breeze. It just felt so good on my skin. Tonight I may sit on my balcony and enjoy it again.

I’m coming alive again people.

It feels good.

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This was Monday last year….

I don’t even remember what I did. All I do know is that I posted his obit on here. Maybe I went up and picked out his plot.

Which wasn’t where his BROTHER thought it should be.

meg-visiting-nick

I thought it was perfect there. Where NICK wanted to be. Not where his brother wanted him to be. That big tree to the left? Came from a seed brought over from Germany/Norway/Sweden. All the bigger trees there are from those seeds. THAT is why Nick wanted to be in ‘the old part’ of the cemetery. Trees and shade and just pretty. Not a field converted with no trees.

The person in this photo is my daughter. She misses her ‘Dad’. She thinks of him as Dad. He raised her with me from age 6. Nick was to walk her down the aisle for her wedding. He missed it by 7 weeks. She misses him a lot, too. Her son wants to go to Cancer and wake up Papa. He loved Papa. Those two were buds.

So a year ago this Thursday was the funeral.  I wonder how I’ll feel that day.

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So….my weekend…

…………ended up being better than I had hoped.

Friday night my friend Kevin had to deliver some parts to Plover. When he goes to Plover? I go with. Golden Corral. LOVE that place. I was pretty careful on what I ate except for two of the Yeast Rolls. I’ve been denying myself bread for a bit so I decided I could ‘afford’ to do two of them. They are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good.

Saturday….The one year anniversary. I was to meet people at the old station by the interstate bridge. Well, the truck had other ideas. All this rain …? There was water in the gas tank. 3 cans of Heat and Sea Foam didn’t do it. When we finally got to the station, we were almost an hour late. Kevin back flushed crap out of the fuel filter. And away we went! With all the time we lost, it gave 3 grandsons (2 real, one foster) time to meet up with us.

Nicks headstone.jpeg

We were headed to the cemetery. It was a good visit. I did OK till I sent everyone but my two oldest grandsons back to the cars. The 3 of us stood there and talked a bit. Those two boys are so good. I just love them to bits.

They came back to Nonna’s house with me and we had some fun talking. Cullan got to go drive Kevin’s Mustang. The others lost golf balls for a while. Luckily they found them all. It was a good day.

They helped load tables and chairs in the van then they left for Winona while Kevin and I headed to my folks with all the stuff. We went out for supper with Mom, Dad and brother. Then out to the farm to unload, then back home.

Sunday it was up to Bob’s to make zucchini relish. Smelled SO good but with red peppers in it, that is out for me.

It turned out to be a relaxing weekend. Something I enjoyed and needed.

And for two people who are not dating….Kevin and I spend a LOT of time together! His friendship means the world to me.

And I think it keeps me somewhat sane.

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The end

My soulmate, my other half, my man, my lover, husband and friend.

Gone.

His eyes were half open. I closed them and kissed them. Knowing I would never watch those beautiful blues turn to charcoal from passion again. I rubbed his cheek, just looking at him. Knowing it wouldn’t be long before I could never see his face again. His middle sister and I sat on the couch. Just looking at him. Talking. Mourning.

I went up the stairs to waken my oldest grandson.  He knew the second I woke him.

No Gramma.

Yes, love.

We just laid there … thinking and mourning.

nick-and-sue-cropped

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