Sunday is winding down….

bleh tomorrow is monday.jpg

So I spose y’all wanna know about my date Friday night.

And my day on Saturday. And the birthday party on Sunday….

Y’all have to wait till Monday.

Telling you MIGHT brighten my day.

Night!!!

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Am I trying….too hard?

Sagittarius:  Nov 22-Dec 21:
You know just how far you’ve come, and also how far you still have to go — so don’t let anyone slow you down today! Keep moving forward.

I’m trying. I’m trying…..I think I’m trying……..Ok, I’ve stopped.

Ana sleeping.gif
Neither Lennox nor I wanted to get up this morning. He smiled when I told him tomorrow we can sleep in. He, of course, will be up and at ’em at 7am. *3 year olds…..hrumph* I have been invited to breakfast at M’s. New guy I’m speaking with. I have to get to recycles and talk to that tall drink of water there. Oh, and drop off my recycles. Then get home and get things together for the car club get together and the bonfire Saturday night.

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Sunday is my Italian daughter’s 17th birthday…She loves chocolate. OK! I just have to find the place for us all to go eat. She likes Applebee’s. I have to teach her new things. Ugh.

Things have been overwhelming me lately. I just realized that I have lost 4 men from my life in the last 15 months. Four men who were/are very important to me.

Two I have lost to death.

One I have lost to indifference.

And one to a girlfriend.

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I’ve written enough about the two I lost to death. Neither one I seem to able to wrap my head around yet. Nick is getting easier. I watched him die. I held his face in my hands as he left this world. I buried him. and I have slept alone for almost 15 months. It should be sinking in by now.

Brian………is the one I am having hardest time with because I didn’t get to go to his service. I didn’t get to tell him Goodbye. I can’t even go to his grave and talk to him. He was cremated and his family has him at home. I would like to go sit by him and tell him I loved him, that I was proud to have him in my life. I never did while he was alive, although I know he knew. He was a dear friend and confidant. A great hugger and a better listener. His smile would light up a room. We had some of the BEST times in the 2 hours we’d spend together. He would come to town once every 6 or 8 months. There is a huge hole in my life no one can fill now that he is gone.

The one I lost to indifference. This one I find the saddest. A fun, vibrant, sexy, healthy man who just doesn’t give a shit anymore. He and I became good friends (or so I am wondering lately) over the last 20 years. I wish I could say we were more than friends during Nick’s heavy drinking days, but I can’t. We both wanted…..I just couldn’t cross that line no matter WHAT Nick was doing.  And now? Well, he just doesn’t give a shit. I find it harder and harder to try to talk to him. It seems he is always mad at me. Or making me feel stupid. I am outgoing and try to have fun. He complains my trying to make him smile only makes things worse.  He’s promised me another motorcycle ride. I don’t know if I will go.

And he won’t care.

And that makes me want to cry. Because I have always enjoyed having him in my life.

When you count on people to be a steady thing in your life, and they stop being that….it is hard to deal with that loss. Because it is a loss.  I mourn everyone I lose. No matter how I lose them.

Which brings me to the 4th man. I came to rely on this man so much in the 15 months since Nick died. He was there when I needed a vehicle fixed, a tree limb cut, closet fixed, ceiling fan installed, or a shoulder to cry on.

I am BEYOND happy that he has a new woman in his life that makes him happier than I ever could. I truly am. It is what we both have been working towards…being happy again.

And no, I am not jealous of her. I just miss being able to count on him. And I can’t do that anymore.

So another ‘steady’ in my life is gone.

sighing pig I posted this pig again because it’s the best heavy sigh I have. And he’s just as cute as a bug’s ear. *snortz*

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Wait…………..What??

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 – Dec 21
You must be willing to share if you don’t want to find yourself overrun with those who can take from you what you most want to keep.

huh

What the hell is that sposed to mean? My brain seems fried today.

Last night was G’ma and G’pa Grapes 77th anniversary celebration at the usual Wednesday night Chicken-fest. I love that place. And I enjoy going. That chicken is SO good!

But I won’t be going much anymore. I’ll get a free dinner during my birthday month. That may be the last time I go. I have to find new and different things to do now. I have to get out of the rut I am in. I have to depend on myself more than I am doing now. My friend has a g/f now and I felt like a 5th wheel last night.

I did the best thing for myself last night and removed my profile from the 2 dating sites I was on. I’m done looking. He will need to come find me.

I felt a load lift off my shoulders immediately. I’m thinking I am meant to be alone.

And that is fine with me………………..for now.

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Yesterday wasn’t good…..

sighing pig.gif

My eyes locked on the photo of Nick I posted from our trip to the Gulf in 1995. All I could see was him. How he looked, how he felt, and OMG that smile. It made the corners of his eyes crinkle up. He had the best smile lines………………

Even this morning, thinking of this post and composing it in my head, my eyes leaked.

I have many more days where I am OK now. Just once in a bit that things slam back into me and I miss him more than I can deal with.

I had hoped that by now, I would have someone in my life that would make me not remember Nick so much. This is one of the main reasons I didn’t want to date any of his friends. I guess I don’t want all the reminders.

What do I want in my life?

kissing neck

Doesn’t everyone?

I want someone that makes me feel like this. And not every man will make me feel this way. I cannot help that. Nick taught me well…..

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Made in Heaven….

It’s a movie starring Kelly McGillis and Timothy Hutton.

From Wiki: In a small Pennsylvania town in 1957, Mike Shea (Hutton) dreams of escaping small town life and moving to California with his girlfriend Brenda Carlucci. But Brenda leaves him with his motor running and Mike takes off alone. Along the way, he rescues a woman and her children from a river but perishes himself. He finds himself in Heaven, where his Aunt Lisa greets him, and explains the rules and regulations. Once in the ethereal realm, Mike falls in love with a heavenly guide named Annie Packert (McGillis).

Their love is abruptly interrupted because Annie has not yet earned her wings on Earth; she must leave on a tour of duty and put in time inhabiting a human body. Mike is beside himself with despair, but the heavenly powers, in the form of Emmett Humbird, chain-smoking and sporting an orange crew-cut, offer him a deal. Mike can return to Earth, with the stipulation neither he nor Annie will remember each other. He then has thirty years in which they must find each other again.

Nick and I loved this movie. We would always look at each other and say “Nah, it won’t take us 30 years.”

As I walked out the door this morning into the crisp autumn air, I thought about this movie for some reason. Wondering if this is really true.

Where does our soul, our essence, the thing that makes us ‘us’, go when you die? Nick always wondered. “We HAVE to come back”, he would say. Otherwise where would all these souls be kept?? Stored? You don’t just ‘disappear’………..(Remember the shower thing???)

Saturday for the wedding, the weather was rainy and dreary. Sunday for the Memorial Cruise? PERFECT!! Sunny and warm and beautiful.

Tell me Nick didn’t have a hand in Sunday’s weather??  I KNOW his essence isn’t GONE. He’s still with us. Because a man this vibrant and sparkling and fun and FULL of so much life…cannot just disappear.

Nick at the gulf.JPG

So…I come back to the movie………………..What do you think? Where does the part of us that makes us ‘us’ ……..go?

I have to believe we come back in another body…..because some of us are just too ‘much’ to go away.

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I almost FORGOTTED!!

With all that went on this weekend………Thanks for the reminder!!!!

Ben and Brit

I went to the wedding reception and dance Saturday night for my dear friend’s son. Marghe and I had some AWESOME suppers, she had chicken (she LOVES chicken) and I had pork….VERY good….along with 3 glasses *hic* of Muscato.

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oops….*hic*

So I switched to water after Marghe’s friend picked her up. She’s not much for dancing. And I wanted to stay.

I had a WONDERFUL time talking to the Groom’s family. They mean so much to me. They were there for me so many times after Nick passed. I love them all to bits and back.

And I love how his Great G’ma has no filter and said some things to me that absolutely warmed my heart to bursting. I love those two stinkers….

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What a weekend….

First…..

counting on waking up rich today

Actually I am rich. I have my health, such as it is, I have my sanity, altho some doubt that (pssst….some days so do I!) I woke up this morning to a tiny little voice saying “Good Morning Nonna….” I raised my head to see the cutest little smile…….I have a roof over my head, food to eat, fuel to keep me warm…..my family whom I love to pieces…..

Next….Ren….What can I say about this man? He unknowingly helped me make the decision to go back to school for a specific course instead of a general one. He gives the BEST hugs…and is the sweetest man. It’s me that is giving up. After he left, I cried for hours. So, I’m backing off any idea of dating for a while. This weekend proved that. He is funny, warm, and makes me laugh, but I just can’t yet. I wish him the best in finding his soulmate…..it’s just not me. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that again. I’m just gonna let my new ‘HIM’ find the new ‘ME’. After some more healing time.

you dont know this new me i put my parts back together differently

Next? …..The boys lost Friday night’s football game. I am so sad about this. They had a STREAK going!!  26-6…I didn’t feel well enough to go and it was raining like crazy. They even had a lightening delay of game. Best I went home.  So I don’t have a cold today. Yay me.

This is my grandson. He is a senior this year. I love this kid above and beyond. He’s turned into SUCH a wonderful young gentleman. I’m so proud of him. And I ADORE this photo.

cullan football 2017

As much as I love this one

gbn

He is my firstborn G’son and I just love him to bits. And he’s handsome too!!

Next…The second annual Food,Friends, and Fun Memorial Cruise was smaller this year with only 5 vehicles. But instead of raising $95, we raised $350 towards a scholarship to the local high school. Add that to the $250 my car club kicks in and $600 is nothing to sneeze at.

2017 FFF Memorial cruise.jpeg

It was a good day. Good friends, good food, good conversation….

Next…..I didn’t get home in time to run to Mauston like I planned. I rec’d a phone call before I left on the cruise from a guy who wanted some of the old radios I have listed on Craigslist. He showed up about 3:15pm and didn’t leave till almost 4. And Mauston is a 90 minute drive. And 3 hours of driving late Sunday afternoon? no

He ended up buying 3 pieces of test equipment. 3 more pieces gone from my house. Yay me! I was rather surprised on how he expected them to be in perfect mint condition. WTF??? The damn thing is like 70 years old and you are complaining about a little rust? He kept wanting to offer me less. I said no. So I kept 2 pieces I could have sold but I’m already losing money selling them at the prices I am. So no….not going down.

I spent the rest of Sunday cleaning up the screen porch, sorting, laundry, dishes, and all other manners of stuff God said we are not supposed to do on the day of rest. But my house is getting done so I shouldn’t complain. I love having my daughter en fam there.

Like I said, I awakened to this tiny little voice saying “Good Morning Nonna!”

Makes life worth living……

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