I think I’m sinking deeper…..

And I’m not sure how to pull myself out this time. I had an idea but I also know that’s not going to happen anymore………so I have to figure something else out. I know I know….I’m sposed to ask for help. Right now, I don’t want to and I want to be alone. And besides, I don’t know who to ask….

I hope one day that door opens….cause it hasn’t yet. It’s like there is something unfinished and I don’t know what it is. Maybe then Nick will finally come to me in a dream and that door will open.

So for now, I’m just going to concentrate on me, my daughter Earn, my home, my dogs and get things in order. I’m slowly doing this, however, taxes will stop me in my tracks for a few weeks.  I’ll be starting them this week. Another thing to bring me down.

Now, I’m walking into a room and wondering if I like me anymore. I don’t like how I’m feeling about myself but I keep hearing that’s normal. I don’t like this new ‘normal’. It sucks.

I don’t like how ‘friends’ seem to have forgotten me. How they don’t or won’t talk to me. How they can’t return answers to messages. Wow. I didn’t realize the term widow meant ‘dropped off the face of the earth so don’t contact her anymore.’

My friends list is shrinking so now my world will consist of my family, my dogs, and me. I don’t chase friends to keep them. It’s a 2 way street. Even though I have a bit of an excuse lately, I was still doing my best to stay connected.

And I also don’t tell people they are living their life wrong. I’m living mine to get through it day by day. And until you’ve lost the love of your life, you will NOT understand.

I listened to his voice mails again last night. It was so good to hear the voice that whispered in my ear for over 20 years. It made my heart break all over again. It’s sposed to get easier every time.

Isn’t it?

~I value the friend who, for me, finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who, for me, does not consult his calendar. ~~Robert Brault