I’m struggling…..

…………still. A year later. Almost 3 years after the start……

I knew this month would be difficult. What I didn’t realize was how difficult. I’m struggling not only with the year anniversary, but with friends not understanding I don’t want to be with them (vivid reminders of Nick),with doing things away from home that are scaring me, and with trying to get a new relationship up and running,(not that maybe I am even ready for that yet.) Which is difficult to do since he is on a job and not here. But that is my problem to deal with as best I can. He and I talk almost every day. He didn’t know Nick. I didn’t know his wife. So I think that is the best fresh start for me.

I don’t like being alone ALL the time. I do find I enjoy it SOME of the time.

And some days all I DO is breathe. Last night in the shower, again a conversation with Nick. I so need him here right now. I have some new health issues I really want him here to help me deal with. I find it unfair (logical, right?) that I have to deal with them on my own. I helped him, he should be here to help me. (still logical, right?)

I don’t let people know everything I deal with. There are a LOT of nights yet today, that I cry myself to sleep, into exhaustion, to oblivion, just so I can sleep.

This guy is one of them. I see HIS photo and it’s like Nick. I just saw him just last October and by this May he was gone. I just cannot wrap my head around him being gone.

I just can’t. ANOTHER vibrant, fun soul….gone. Just a phone call from him and my day would brighten RIGHT up. I wish I could go to Brian’s grave and talk to him. I can’t.

                                       There are days I doubt I even knew Nick. It’s too surreal.

And yet I go to his grave and it hits me anew.

Always will.